Why should I have sex when I have no desire? Perspective for conflicting libidos.

I am a proponent of having regular sex, whether you actively desire it or not.  Maybe I should shift the terminology and say “engage in intimacy” rather than have sex.  I believe that the benefits of engaging in regular, and go as far as to say daily doses of pleasurable intimacy serve to bring a couple closer together, promote trust, love and even fidelity.

For the low desire person this might initially sound outrageous, suggesting duty and the endurance of daily unwanted invasive sexual contact in order to keep the other person happy.  But it's the complete opposite, and actually serves to turn intimacy into something that you crave and enjoy, rather than dread.  Not because you're "hornier"  but because the process of engagement and experience is something to enjoy and isn't in any way invasive.  So lets take a closer look at what engaging in intimacy actually means, how it can benefit you, and most importantly how to embrace and even anticipate it when you have low, or no desire. I get into the specifics in great detail on my home study course “differences in desire” and help couples with their particular obstacles.

First, what do you get out of daily intimacy? Your relationship will become warmer and more flirtatious, there will be a sense of contentment, closeness, feeling cared for.  You will appreciate and love your body, as well as your partner's. The highly sexed partner will be getting the physical attention they crave. Read any research on touch and massage and you will see that touch creates oxytocin, the love hormone. You literally create love for each other on a daily basis through touch. Your capacities for pleasure will go through the roof – that is my personal claim, based on improving and upping your pleasure potential and sensitizing your bodies. Sinking into that space allows resentments, anxieties, depressions and even physical pain to melt away. This is good stuff, I call it the closest thing to a magic relationship elixir.

I still hear you saying, but I don't want it, how can I possibly engage in sex when I don't want it? Here is how it's done. You need to

1. schedule time for touch, and follow the protocol
   
   
2. remove all, and I mean all erotic expectations. Create a safe space and environment in which to relax together, naked and cuddled up. No one is expected to do, feel or respond in a particular way. You're just there to be together.
   
   
3. Be still for long enough to relax and let go of everything, save the enjoyment of the physical contact. Stop thinking and just feel your partner's skin against yours. Do not feel it in the context of “what is coming next?” Just feel it now. Explore through caresses and light touch, avoid the most obvious erogenous zones and touch gently for the pleasure of it, not to turn anyone on. If you take the time to touch each other, whether it progresses to erogenous zones or not, you will already have experienced the benefits of intimacy without having engaged in intercourse or orgasm. Feeling good? Keeping with this level of deliberation move to more erogenous zones while avoiding the most sensitive, breathe, and build the sensual energy within your body. If you have low desire it is important that there be no pressure on you to either respond in a specific way or to orgasm. If it happens fine, but the aim is to enjoy the touch with zero expectations. This is intimacy whether or not a penis enters a vagina and any orgasms are had. 
4. The caveat is that the high desire partner has the responsibility not to force themselves on you in a demanding way and be a jerk about their libido.  That is a non negotiable and it cannot work if you are being pestered, or if expectations are being put on you.
   
   

In this context, sex and intimacy do not depend on a latent desire and urge for sex. They are based on pleasure and connecting with your lover in a no pressure environment where you are free to get naked and be aroused, or not, and just enjoy feeling good. If there is only pleasure and no pressure, you can begin to look forward to these exchanges. You may even find that you will feel generous and want to pleasure your partner as well. Pleasure becomes sharing and an expression of love, not a task or another chore to attend to. 

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