Removing Stigma from Pleasure: Or What kind of a Woman Actually Pays For a Sensual Massage?

Self care is associated with valuing one’s self.  We all know men and women who do nothing for themselves and spend life seeking validation through self deprivation, self neglect and caring for others.  On the contrary, there is a healthy level of self care that does not necessarily have to be expensive, but involves effort, nurture, and upkeep of one’s own mental and emotional health,  physical health and appearance.  This includes personal grooming: hair, clothes make-up, skin, nails and yes, sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of an adult’s total make up, when it is neglected then a piece is missing.  
Society and women make a lot of judgements over why men will seek out sensual or erotic massage. Part of this is simply ignorance over what a massage entails, and why people are seeking it.  I can categorize these men  (with authority) into three general groups.  

1. The first is what people imagine:  Men are inherently sexual and simply want to get their rocks off. Yes, this exists, and these men generally seek out the cheapest or flashiest way to do this, it’s the sleazy underground.  It’s the compulsive, the sex addicts, and the pornography of the industry.
2. Men who are seeking connection.  For them, touch is intimate, fulfilling and a basic human need and for one reason or another it is not being met in their lives.  They do not know where else to turn when cheating or having an affair is not an option.  Desperation and a plummeted self esteem often comes into play here and there is a deep sadness and pain at the lack of intimate touch and connection in their lives. Whether it is a chronically single male, or a male whose spouse has ended or severely limited physical relations.  There is a lack of understanding of how fundamentally important human touch and connection is to a person’s well being.  Babies who are not held “fail to thrive” and will even die.  Adults are no different.
3. Men who are experiencing sexual difficulties and are looking for advice and healing from someone who has experience and knowledge of men’s bodies and sexuality. Providers are seen as a “safe”  place to air sexual concerns, they are removed from the client personally and do not have reactive emotions or hurt feelings to his problem the way a female partner often does.  Coming to terms and seeking help for a sexual problem is incredibly difficult for a male, whose identity, ego and self esteem is highly tied to his masculine and sexual self image.  Validation can play a part in this:  Validation from a provider.

Women’s sexuality is one of the hot public topics now, something marginalized in the past, or viewed as something which existed solely for male titillation is now exploding with awareness.  Women WANT.  Women are not always sure what they want,  it is slippery at times ever growing and changing as we do, and women are less likely to settle for an unsatisfying, painful or unpleasant intimate life.  Contrary to many popular jokes,  it is not enough, emotionally, or physically to take a hot bath and lock oneself in the bathroom with a vibrator and a romance novel. As women and men come into awareness of the extraordinary potential of female sexuality a hunger is being awakened to discover what it is that they are missing.  

Here are some kinds of women who seek out and get sensual massage:  in no particular order. The important thing to understand is that in receiving sensual bodywork, a woman is not paying for an orgasm, she is paying for a service which is ultimately an enormous act of self care and personal growth. 

1. Out of a relationship (or at a turning point within a relationship) and on a path of self discovery and healing.  Bodywork and focused attention is incredibly healing.  Women have often had the experience of their pleasure being used to gratify a man's ego, to turn him on or otherwise make him happy in some way. Their pleasure is not their own in that situation.  With sensual massage the purpose is to explore and experience the mind body connection. There is no right or wrong way to respond, there is no right or wrong way to look or feel. The intent is relaxation, safety, and to sink into the sensation of pleasure with the practitioner's hands and energy as facilitators to discover and experience oneself.  No more, no less.
2. Severe body image issues that interfere with experiencing sensual pleasure and even living life.  Many women are unable to permit their bodies to be pleasured because they feel they are not: young, beautiful, skinny, sexy etc. enough to deserve that loving adoration.  What they do not understand is that their bodies are made for pleasure, and that pleasure has nothing to do with their physical appearance.  Having a running commentary of self critical comments about one’s body is one of the best ways to destroy pleasure and intimate relating.  A woman with poor body esteem will close herself to her partner, and not allow herself to be pleasured.  She will not engage in activities that she deems herself “not attractive enough” to do:   lingerie, yoga, beach or bathing suit activities, even dancing or going out to certain events,  signing up for teams or group activities.  Healing sensual bodywork can and does change that.  Women who receive physical adoration through bodywork will find themselves loving their own skin and starting to engage in other activities which express self respect and love, this spills over into relationships and working life.
3. No ability to orgasm or receive pleasure at another’s touch.  This can be tied into the above.  Many women find it very difficult to let go and experience orgasm during partner sex, the two common reasons are that they are unable to receive the attention, be present, express their sexual needs and another is that they have trained themselves to orgasm in one specific way and cannot do it any other.  Sensual bodywork is a safe environment to expand the body’s capacity for pleasure and open up orgasmic capabilities.  It is an incredibly beautiful experience when a woman surrenders to her own arousal and sexual response and increases her orgasmic capacity.  
4. Women who want to discover their own bodies and learn how to communicate their needs to their partner.  It is rare to find a woman who knows her body inside out and is able to communicate those ever changing needs to a partner.  Often we inhibit communication about our needs, not wanting to appear demanding, weird, or to hurt a man’s ego when what he is doing is not what we want.   Many women (and men) do not have the luxury of a patient and knowledgeable lover who knows how to take the time to safely explore and discover their bodies with positive methods of communicating sexual needs.  As an aside, time and time again men report that the best lovers they have ever experienced were women who were self aware and able to communicate what they need to be pleasured,  rather than women who put on an act, were focused on appearance or “trying to please.”   It is an interesting reversal of popular, and pornographic perception.

To summarize, women who seek out sensual massage run the gamut of ages and socio-economic backgrounds, however the common ground is that they are proactive when it comes to self growth.  They desire more for themselves, more within their relationships, and have taken responsibility for their own pleasure.  Even if that means simply learning to communicate to another exactly what they need.  They are not passive victims, waiting for a fantasy white knight to save them (whilst reading 50 Shades of Grey) or bitterly eschewing men and sex due to past negative experience. They are passionate seekers of more who understand that pleasure is as much the responsibility of the receiver as it is for the giver.
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