I’ve noticed something that I could talk about theoretically for days but will instead share a story.
My body likes a variety of touches and there is no telling what I will like or when. I am fortunate enough to have a lover that REALLY genuinely enthusiastically enjoys touching me in ways that produce pleasure and arousal. So this one time, when sexually engaged, I realized that a very specific touch felt very good. It lasted only a moment and was a gentle brushing of the outer labia. It was heaven, and the thought that came to mind so briefly that I almost did not recognize it was that I wish I could feel that touch all day. This was a fraction of a second, an almost imperceptible flash. Logically, I knew that after a few minutes it would reach the point of diminishing returns and need to change but in that moment that is how I felt. My partner was just doing his thing, touching me in ways he knows arouses me but I didn’t want them I just wanted that silky graze.
This is the moment that so many people struggle with, that so many people miss.
I would like to help you navigate this moment keeping the following points in mind.
First of all, be aware enough to REALIZE the desire for something specific. The sensation can happen quickly, and being able to formulate thoughts around it, and then change those thoughts into words takes practice and self awareness. Being caught in a circular pattern of thoughts, distractions, anxieties will guarantee that you will miss it.
No lover is a mind reader and “hope and hints” will never ever create the lover of your dreams out of someone who is willing.
Second, having the vulnerability to ask for it, knowing that it may or may not be given is very important. Lots of people shut down because a request that felt vulnerable was not received or acted upon. What I’ve noticed, is that what seems clear and obvious to us, is often not clear and obvious to a partner, even when we think it should be.
Third, the communication dynamic which permits your lover to not feel like you’re micromanaging his or her touch. And I suggest many discussions about this to help both of you through what can be a difficult dynamic depending on triggers. One of the most degrading things I heard from a man, was that he did not want to do things that aroused me (versus treating my body and doing stuff that got him off) because it made him feel like he was being micro managed sexually. There is a time and a place for bulldozing or ploughing your way through a fuck fest, but lets be honest, if a woman is going to want more it’s got to be pleasurable for her too. In that circumstance there was no second chance. In marriages, that kind of attitude turns desire into disgust.
So what happened? Well I said hey that feels amazing and I would like a lot more of that, and I got it. Later, in a conversation, I admitted that I had the thought that I just wanted to lie there for ages feeling that one very specificc sensation. My partner requested that I tell him when that kind of thing comes up and I said okay, it was interesting that it was so hard to even recognize and act on, even for me.
In exploratory bodywork sessions (not strictly pleasure ones), I do not let people get away with unexpressed desires. In fact, I “ruin the mood” by insisting that they step out of their comfort zone and describe what it is they want to feel. What feels better? How can this be even better?
The take home: With sexuality in long term relationships shitty sex does not have the luxury of riding the wave of new relationship energy and desire. Sex has to be good, there needs to be an honesty in communication, and a self awareness and yes, an honest desire for the other to experience pleasure. You need to care about your partner’s pleasure, not just your own gratification.I’ve written this from the female perspective, but find that men have trouble speaking up as well. Talk guys, and if you can’t talk to each other, talk to me and I can help you relate in ways that the other can hear.
Do you need to talk to someone about this, or another pressing intimate concern?
I do distance consultations via skype, facetime and telephone. Get in touch!
The Phenomenal Jason Linett of Work Smart Hypnosis was gracious enough to have me on his podcast, take a listen!
On today’s episode, Freja explains how she was introduced to hypnosis and her shift from traditional practices to those of a more intimate and sensual nature. We go into depth on how hypnotic strategies and EFT techniques overlap into topics like sexuality, desire, and releasing dysfunction.
“A lot of our sexual problems are because we spend too much time in our heads” – Freja Njorden
Robert Manni, Author of the Guys' Guy's Guide to love hosts a wonderful radio show and interviews me on -- wait for it -- SEX. Listen to the podcast here
Have you heard of Synaesthesia?
noun: synaesthesia; the production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by stimulation of another sense or part of the body.
In other words, you are able to experience things via multiple “senses” and not just the single one that is common to the stimulation. You may smell sounds, or actually see smells, or music. There are many people who have this innate ability for their entire lives and do not realize that it is something unique until they realize that others do not have it. Hypnosis can help individuals who do not have these abilities to develop and enjoy it, thanks to neuroplasticity.
Erotic synaesthesia is what I do to help people perceived ordinary things in an extraordinarily sexually arousing way. Why? The short answer is that IT IS FUN. Many of us have hedonistic tendencies, dopamine plays into it but in my opinion increasing natural sensitivity and ability to become aroused and play with your partner is a positive thing.
An example of erotic synaesthisa is to program in that a particular sound, a drum beat or base line to be stimulating to your genitals, to the point of orgasm if desired. Another example is to have a subject actually see arousal in their body as either light or colour, and from there be able to play with the intensity and location of it. A third is to experience in the subjects own body what they see or do in another. So in watching something happen to another they can experience that as sensation in their own body, or in doing to another they can experience that sensation in themselves. If this is not already clear in your mind I will spell it out to you: you can experience the sensation of receiving oral sex by giving it to your partner. Yeah, that one is good.
I encourage everyone to play, explore and experiment ethically with positive ways to enhance your trust and play within your relationships! I offer the chance to learn how to do synaestheisa at my erotic hypnosis workshop on October 15th and 16th at the lovely 401 Richmond st W, in Toronto. To sign up visit http://www.thesensualist.org/erotic-hypnosis-workshop.html
There is no longer an excuse to complain about your boring sex life
“I just wish my spouse would be more creative in the bedroom”
“I wish she would be open to spanking me (or being spanked, or letting me get off by sucking her toes, or put me in chastity for a period of time whilst teasing me, or any other somewhat alternative thing) but she would never ever ever do that or let me do that.”
Often the person (male or female) with more desire and creativity, or at least more boredom in the bedroom has a variation of a lament that their partner simply is not open to expanding their sexual repertoire and would never be.
THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. It is only true within the current context.
1. Make a list of all of the limiting statements you have about your partner sexually
2. Now answer the question, what do *I* do to make it safe and enjoyable for my partner/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend to express themselves sexually? Hint, if they’re not expressing themselves, then what you’re doing is not working. If it’s not working, then change it!
Did you know that there is a specific sequence of steps and actions that you can take to introduce almost ANY activity into your sexual repertoire and turn it into an exciting erotic addition to your couples toolbox, even if at first it is something that one of you finds repulsive or not a turn on? It has nothing to do with manipulation, coercion, or one person “tolerating” an activity in order to please another. This is the heart of ethical sexual exploration.
Did you know that for even the most vanilla “boring” and uncreative sexual persons, people with NO sexual imagination, simply the act of making more activities erotic turn ons stimulates desire and more sexual creativity? There is a secret to this, and to getting someone turned on by specific things. If this is not making sense to you, consider these situations. Lets pretend that I do not enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities (haha)… and that my partner is wild about foot worship, being spanked and spanking, and a really strange position. And lets pretend those things really REALLY do nothing for me and we never engage in them because I do not like them and he really cares about my pleasure. But he is wild about those three things and because he can’t get them fantasizes about them, sneaks away and watches porn that contains them and wishes I would like them. It becomes a bone of contention and source of friction within the relationship. Now wouldn’t it be nice if I found those things very arousing so that we could both enjoy them? Not as a compromise to me, but as an addition as an enhancement and as more things to enjoy. Heck yes, and it’s very easy and fun to do. Now lets say that my favourite thing in the world is receiving oral sex and he does it because I want it but does not get much out of it. Wouldn’t it be more fun for us if GIVING it to me put him into an orgasmic state of excitement?
The point of this post is, if you’re sitting around complaining about how unexciting and unvaried your sexual life is, you are creating that situation for yourself. You have options, and whether you choose to exercise them will determine your satisfaction in this area of life. Empower yourself sexually and learn the steps to a varied and enjoyable life with no compromise. Sex with another person is a dynamic feedback loop that requires attention, feedback, and constant adaptations and shifts and the pleasure it brings is worth the effort put into it.
I’m really excited to be teaching these things, and more on October 15th and 16th, at my Ethical Erotic Hypnosis course taught at 401 Richmond St West in Toronto. Join us for a great time!
I always recommend for clients looking to improve their sexuality to include yoga in their lifestyle. This is not news, it’s heard in magazines and is a trendy thing to recommend.
At first the benefits seem obvious, but they go much deeper than sensational headlines. Yoga will improve your ability to HAVE sex on a physical level by increasing strength, the ability to move your body, and flexibility. More importantly, it will also improve your ability to be fully present in your body and to your partner during sex and experience more pleasure, have better orgasms and if you’re a man even things like lasting longer or maintaining an erection.
Part of sex is physical, our bodies move, muscles contract and we get into positions. To do this easily is a bonus since being pain free and having less effort is all important for pleasure. The other part is mental and yoga uses movement and breath to focus. During sex, you use movement and sensation, breath and touch and focused attention on your partner to create an experience. Without the ability to be present and focus, to get out of your head and into your body things happen like: lack of arousal, inability to orgasm loss of erection or premature ejaculation, circular, excessive, or self conscious intrusive thoughts that interfere with your ability to make the most of your experiences.
Most yoga studios have intro specials for the first month to let you test run the studio. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get a good instructor and a class that is appropriate for your fitness level and personality. Remember, yoga is for every age, gender and every body, not just the media-promoted spandex clad “yoga body” types. It can improve your health, your emotions, body image and sex life, you may even run across a Sensualist Yoga for Women class at your local studio. Give it a try!
ETHICAL EROTIC HYPNOSIS
Can you imagine making someone orgasm longer and harder than they ever have in their life, just by talking to them? How about increasing libido and desire?
Do you know what it is like to have the power to generate ecstasy, real physical ecstasy beyond anything ever felt using words?
Would you love to be able to "program" different parts of your lover's body to be erotically sensitive, and to induce orgasm by whispering a word or touching "innocent" parts, such as their finger or earlobe?
Imagine a world where the intensity and satisfaction of your sexual encounters had NOTHING to do with your age, physical abilities or appearance, and what actually was the deciding factor was your mind
Imagine a world where injury and physical limitations did not limit sexual pleasure
Can you understand the life value of creating orgasmic pleasure bliss and joy in a non sexual context, without any kind of sexuality involved?
INTRODUCING A NEW SEXUAL PARADIGM
You will learn all of this and much more over The Sensualist 2 day workshop held in early fall 2016 in Toronto Ontario.
Sign up to be notified of early bird pricing and special discounts, and to be notified as soon as dates and locations are set!
If you wish to host a workshop in your city, or have me speak about erotic hypnosis on your podcast or at an event please contact me at email@example.com
Many sexual “healers” and educators talk about awakening the Goddess or God within and wax sentimental about a time where this God/dess was worshipped, revered, and embodied by certain men and women in sacred sexual rituals. This kind of thing is often dismissed as woo woo or new age nonsense, however when taken as metaphor is relevant and useful even to the most down to earth, scientific and matter of fact person.
So, what does it mean to activate or embody your inner Sex God or Goddess?
Simply put, it means to put yourself into a peak state for sex, specifically high level ecstatic connected sex. Every one of us has a multitude of ego states that we move through in order to navigate our lives. The state you are in when playing with your children is very different from that in a high stress work environment, when running from a bear, or when attempting to seduce a lover. The ego state making the decisions is The Executive. To access a part of you, a state which feels and behaves like a sexual God/dess, is powerful, sensual, confident, focused, and who lives in a state of love (rather than victim hood or predatorial) you simply bring that specific state the executive position for as long as necessary. We see it when a sweet shy seeming woman steps into her role as a high level burlesque dancer on stage, or when a high level athlete gets into the zone. Talking about the God/dess does not mean you believe there are powerful beings in the sky, it can also be a metaphor for a set of traits which are beneficial and desirable.
I say to simply bring this state into the executive, but what if you don’t know how? What if your habitual sexual ego state is not a God/dess but is insecure? Disconnected? Ashamed? Protective? Defensive? Manipulative or abusive?
Intimacy and Sexuality coaches can help teach you to access these positive ego states and integrate them into your relationships: just as a business coach or motivational or athletic coach can helps you to access high performance states: These new intimacy coaches, sacred sex practitioners teach you principles of intimacy and love, and teach you how to access those extraordinarily powerful ego states.
Forget old belief systems that demonized sexuality, reserving it for procreation and associating it with fear based punishments (hell, anyone?). Forget new cultural systems which glorify disconnect, objectivity, abuse and promote addictive behaviours that destroy sexual function, sensitivity and even connection and intimacy in relationships. Neither men or women are satisfied or willing to accept low level status quo experiences anymore!
This is a time for openness and discussion. Not the “50 ways to drive him wild” drivel we see in magazine or click bait. Real, actionable information. Real, hands on healing.
There is a need for adult sex education. These educators, coaches, and skilled bodyworkers enable people to understand themselves and to fully utilize the power of their sexual energy consciously, instead of as a default response to habitual activities and programmed stimulation.
A common statement that I hear is “I didn’t know something like (The Sensualist) existed” and at least in Hamilton Ontario, it’s true. There are many well known and incredible educators on the West Coast of both Canada and the US. Here, there is a huge divide: Pharmaceuticals, Therapeutic Clinical Massage, Sex Therapists (of the verbal consultant type) and the underground… the erotic massage parlours and providers. Most in less than savoury conditions, they are there not only to serve the population who are looking for sex at a discounted rate, but unfortunately are the only option for many who are looking for human touch, compassion, and intimacy on a real heart level. Out of need. Many of them find themselves offering sex education and advice to their Johns. There is a missing link and major gap which until now, was not being met.
It’s time to address this gap in a wholesome way and provide positive understanding of ourselves. Healing from the damaging effects that a lifetime of harmful sexual beliefs, habits and experiences and finally to move to generative work. Raising the sexual consciousness of our relationships and reaping the rewards of such a powerful method of connecting and being together in love. It starts with a shift in perception, and it starts with a new kind of coach/teacher/educator, and bodywork which supports an individual’s personal intimate healing and growth.
THIS is the mission at The Sensualist.
It is a new kind of experience, an opportunity to heal and discover your sexual self and improve your relationships.
What are Yoni Eggs, and Why should I use them?
Yoni is a Sanskrit word that literally translated means “sacred temple” and is used to mean vagina. I love the term as it relates to massage and intimacy because it demonstrates the reverence and intention behind the physical actions of touch and awareness exercises.
When working with women or couples, one of the first things that must be done is that she cultivate yoni health and awareness. It is important to know that this is not all about developing muscular strength or a “vice grip.” It is about awareness, sensitivity, appreciation, responsiveness, and love. The opposite of what many women experience with their yonis, more typically are issues such as: numbness, tension, shame, disgust, feelings of unworthiness, frustration and disconnection.
How healthy is your connection to your yoni? Do you listen to her needs? Do you nourish her with loving care or speak silent words about her, questioning her appearance, performance, smell and taste? Are you engaging in activities that promote her health, provide pleasure, and increase love?
The Short List:
Eggs Strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor and urogenital diaphragm. What does that mean in terms of results?
For most women, starting with a Medium or Large egg is correct, over time a smaller egg can be used as strength and sensitivity increases. For most, a small egg will be useless as they will be unable to even feel it inside, you DO want to be able to feel it and to squeeze against the sides for resistance and massage. Do not choose too small of an egg to start due to vanity or ego.
Stay tuned for ways to use them alone, with a partner to enhance intercourse, for both pleasure and health. I do supply Eggs at The Sensualist, primarily Medium and Large, with some sets that include all three sizes M, L and small.
Peak State Sexuality
Women & Erotic Massage
Want a Kinky Partner
New Sex Therapy
The Erotic Edge
When Sex Stops
Get Them to use Toys 1
Hurting your Erections
Sex every day?
Your Brain On Porn
Low Desire Partner
Sensual Massage for Women
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