There is no longer an excuse to complain about your boring sex life
“I just wish my spouse would be more creative in the bedroom”
“I wish she would be open to spanking me (or being spanked, or letting me get off by sucking her toes, or put me in chastity for a period of time whilst teasing me, or any other somewhat alternative thing) but she would never ever ever do that or let me do that.”
Often the person (male or female) with more desire and creativity, or at least more boredom in the bedroom has a variation of a lament that their partner simply is not open to expanding their sexual repertoire and would never be.
THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. It is only true within the current context.
1. Make a list of all of the limiting statements you have about your partner sexually
2. Now answer the question, what do *I* do to make it safe and enjoyable for my partner/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend to express themselves sexually? Hint, if they’re not expressing themselves, then what you’re doing is not working. If it’s not working, then change it!
Did you know that there is a specific sequence of steps and actions that you can take to introduce almost ANY activity into your sexual repertoire and turn it into an exciting erotic addition to your couples toolbox, even if at first it is something that one of you finds repulsive or not a turn on? It has nothing to do with manipulation, coercion, or one person “tolerating” an activity in order to please another. This is the heart of ethical sexual exploration.
Did you know that for even the most vanilla “boring” and uncreative sexual persons, people with NO sexual imagination, simply the act of making more activities erotic turn ons stimulates desire and more sexual creativity? There is a secret to this, and to getting someone turned on by specific things. If this is not making sense to you, consider these situations. Lets pretend that I do not enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities (haha)… and that my partner is wild about foot worship, being spanked and spanking, and a really strange position. And lets pretend those things really REALLY do nothing for me and we never engage in them because I do not like them and he really cares about my pleasure. But he is wild about those three things and because he can’t get them fantasizes about them, sneaks away and watches porn that contains them and wishes I would like them. It becomes a bone of contention and source of friction within the relationship. Now wouldn’t it be nice if I found those things very arousing so that we could both enjoy them? Not as a compromise to me, but as an addition as an enhancement and as more things to enjoy. Heck yes, and it’s very easy and fun to do. Now lets say that my favourite thing in the world is receiving oral sex and he does it because I want it but does not get much out of it. Wouldn’t it be more fun for us if GIVING it to me put him into an orgasmic state of excitement?
The point of this post is, if you’re sitting around complaining about how unexciting and unvaried your sexual life is, you are creating that situation for yourself. You have options, and whether you choose to exercise them will determine your satisfaction in this area of life. Empower yourself sexually and learn the steps to a varied and enjoyable life with no compromise. Sex with another person is a dynamic feedback loop that requires attention, feedback, and constant adaptations and shifts and the pleasure it brings is worth the effort put into it.
I’m really excited to be teaching these things, and more on October 15th and 16th, at my Ethical Erotic Hypnosis course taught at 401 Richmond St West in Toronto. Join us for a great time!
I always recommend for clients looking to improve their sexuality to include yoga in their lifestyle. This is not news, it’s heard in magazines and is a trendy thing to recommend.
At first the benefits seem obvious, but they go much deeper than sensational headlines. Yoga will improve your ability to HAVE sex on a physical level by increasing strength, the ability to move your body, and flexibility. More importantly, it will also improve your ability to be fully present in your body and to your partner during sex and experience more pleasure, have better orgasms and if you’re a man even things like lasting longer or maintaining an erection.
Part of sex is physical, our bodies move, muscles contract and we get into positions. To do this easily is a bonus since being pain free and having less effort is all important for pleasure. The other part is mental and yoga uses movement and breath to focus. During sex, you use movement and sensation, breath and touch and focused attention on your partner to create an experience. Without the ability to be present and focus, to get out of your head and into your body things happen like: lack of arousal, inability to orgasm loss of erection or premature ejaculation, circular, excessive, or self conscious intrusive thoughts that interfere with your ability to make the most of your experiences.
Most yoga studios have intro specials for the first month to let you test run the studio. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get a good instructor and a class that is appropriate for your fitness level and personality. Remember, yoga is for every age, gender and every body, not just the media-promoted spandex clad “yoga body” types. It can improve your health, your emotions, body image and sex life, you may even run across a Sensualist Yoga for Women class at your local studio. Give it a try!
ETHICAL EROTIC HYPNOSIS
Can you imagine making someone orgasm longer and harder than they ever have in their life, just by talking to them? How about increasing libido and desire?
Do you know what it is like to have the power to generate ecstasy, real physical ecstasy beyond anything ever felt using words?
Would you love to be able to "program" different parts of your lover's body to be erotically sensitive, and to induce orgasm by whispering a word or touching "innocent" parts, such as their finger or earlobe?
Imagine a world where the intensity and satisfaction of your sexual encounters had NOTHING to do with your age, physical abilities or appearance, and what actually was the deciding factor was your mind
Imagine a world where injury and physical limitations did not limit sexual pleasure
Can you understand the life value of creating orgasmic pleasure bliss and joy in a non sexual context, without any kind of sexuality involved?
INTRODUCING A NEW SEXUAL PARADIGM
You will learn all of this and much more over The Sensualist 2 day workshop held in early fall 2016 in Toronto Ontario.
Sign up to be notified of early bird pricing and special discounts, and to be notified as soon as dates and locations are set!
If you wish to host a workshop in your city, or have me speak about erotic hypnosis on your podcast or at an event please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Many sexual “healers” and educators talk about awakening the Goddess or God within and wax sentimental about a time where this God/dess was worshipped, revered, and embodied by certain men and women in sacred sexual rituals. This kind of thing is often dismissed as woo woo or new age nonsense, however when taken as metaphor is relevant and useful even to the most down to earth, scientific and matter of fact person.
So, what does it mean to activate or embody your inner Sex God or Goddess?
Simply put, it means to put yourself into a peak state for sex, specifically high level ecstatic connected sex. Every one of us has a multitude of ego states that we move through in order to navigate our lives. The state you are in when playing with your children is very different from that in a high stress work environment, when running from a bear, or when attempting to seduce a lover. The ego state making the decisions is The Executive. To access a part of you, a state which feels and behaves like a sexual God/dess, is powerful, sensual, confident, focused, and who lives in a state of love (rather than victim hood or predatorial) you simply bring that specific state the executive position for as long as necessary. We see it when a sweet shy seeming woman steps into her role as a high level burlesque dancer on stage, or when a high level athlete gets into the zone. Talking about the God/dess does not mean you believe there are powerful beings in the sky, it can also be a metaphor for a set of traits which are beneficial and desirable.
I say to simply bring this state into the executive, but what if you don’t know how? What if your habitual sexual ego state is not a God/dess but is insecure? Disconnected? Ashamed? Protective? Defensive? Manipulative or abusive?
Intimacy and Sexuality coaches can help teach you to access these positive ego states and integrate them into your relationships: just as a business coach or motivational or athletic coach can helps you to access high performance states: These new intimacy coaches, sacred sex practitioners teach you principles of intimacy and love, and teach you how to access those extraordinarily powerful ego states.
Forget old belief systems that demonized sexuality, reserving it for procreation and associating it with fear based punishments (hell, anyone?). Forget new cultural systems which glorify disconnect, objectivity, abuse and promote addictive behaviours that destroy sexual function, sensitivity and even connection and intimacy in relationships. Neither men or women are satisfied or willing to accept low level status quo experiences anymore!
This is a time for openness and discussion. Not the “50 ways to drive him wild” drivel we see in magazine or click bait. Real, actionable information. Real, hands on healing.
There is a need for adult sex education. These educators, coaches, and skilled bodyworkers enable people to understand themselves and to fully utilize the power of their sexual energy consciously, instead of as a default response to habitual activities and programmed stimulation.
A common statement that I hear is “I didn’t know something like (The Sensualist) existed” and at least in Hamilton Ontario, it’s true. There are many well known and incredible educators on the West Coast of both Canada and the US. Here, there is a huge divide: Pharmaceuticals, Therapeutic Clinical Massage, Sex Therapists (of the verbal consultant type) and the underground… the erotic massage parlours and providers. Most in less than savoury conditions, they are there not only to serve the population who are looking for sex at a discounted rate, but unfortunately are the only option for many who are looking for human touch, compassion, and intimacy on a real heart level. Out of need. Many of them find themselves offering sex education and advice to their Johns. There is a missing link and major gap which until now, was not being met.
It’s time to address this gap in a wholesome way and provide positive understanding of ourselves. Healing from the damaging effects that a lifetime of harmful sexual beliefs, habits and experiences and finally to move to generative work. Raising the sexual consciousness of our relationships and reaping the rewards of such a powerful method of connecting and being together in love. It starts with a shift in perception, and it starts with a new kind of coach/teacher/educator, and bodywork which supports an individual’s personal intimate healing and growth.
THIS is the mission at The Sensualist.
It is a new kind of experience, an opportunity to heal and discover your sexual self and improve your relationships.
What are Yoni Eggs, and Why should I use them?
Yoni is a Sanskrit word that literally translated means “sacred temple” and is used to mean vagina. I love the term as it relates to massage and intimacy because it demonstrates the reverence and intention behind the physical actions of touch and awareness exercises.
When working with women or couples, one of the first things that must be done is that she cultivate yoni health and awareness. It is important to know that this is not all about developing muscular strength or a “vice grip.” It is about awareness, sensitivity, appreciation, responsiveness, and love. The opposite of what many women experience with their yonis, more typically are issues such as: numbness, tension, shame, disgust, feelings of unworthiness, frustration and disconnection.
How healthy is your connection to your yoni? Do you listen to her needs? Do you nourish her with loving care or speak silent words about her, questioning her appearance, performance, smell and taste? Are you engaging in activities that promote her health, provide pleasure, and increase love?
The Short List:
Eggs Strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor and urogenital diaphragm. What does that mean in terms of results?
For most women, starting with a Medium or Large egg is correct, over time a smaller egg can be used as strength and sensitivity increases. For most, a small egg will be useless as they will be unable to even feel it inside, you DO want to be able to feel it and to squeeze against the sides for resistance and massage. Do not choose too small of an egg to start due to vanity or ego.
Stay tuned for ways to use them alone, with a partner to enhance intercourse, for both pleasure and health. I do supply Eggs at The Sensualist, primarily Medium and Large, with some sets that include all three sizes M, L and small.
Winter is coming, heaters are on, and even those who normally are quite oily will soon be experiencing that dry, tight feeling on their skin that comes from a lack of moisture and the dry heating of winter. At best, this is uncomfortable, at worst skin can split, become infected, painful and age more quickly.
Related to my subject matter: I hear complaints of erections which have become painful, even splitting the skin on the penis when it becomes dry and less flexible. Lips are chapped and split with dryness, and limbs are itchy with flaking skin.
The solution to this is holistic in nature:
If you insist on drying out your skin and genitals in the shower, at least use a mild soap that does not contain SLS or parabens. Moisturizing with a rich butter or oil -- again, avoiding chemicals, immediately after the shower when the body is still moist is ideal. I recommend my Lingam Butter for the most luxurious in natural skin care. It absorbs quickly and not only moistens, but leaves a protective barrier on the skin that is long lasting and feels incredible.
For the rest of the body, Hard Lotion is a soap bar shaped (can also be purchased in a convenient deodorant style container) solid bar of lotion. It takes less than half a minute to simply swipe over the skin and moisturize the entire body, without having to rub in messy creams. I keep the Hard Lotion on the dresser (for post shower, pre-dressing) and the Erotic Bar on the night table. It’s also perfect for swiping dry lips or face at night.
Self care is associated with valuing one’s self. We all know men and women who do nothing for themselves and spend life seeking validation through self deprivation, self neglect and caring for others. On the contrary, there is a healthy level of self care that does not necessarily have to be expensive, but involves effort, nurture, and upkeep of one’s own mental and emotional health, physical health and appearance. This includes personal grooming: hair, clothes make-up, skin, nails and yes, sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of an adult’s total make up, when it is neglected then a piece is missing.
Society and women make a lot of judgements over why men will seek out sensual or erotic massage. Part of this is simply ignorance over what a massage entails, and why people are seeking it. I can categorize these men (with authority) into three general groups.
Women’s sexuality is one of the hot public topics now, something marginalized in the past, or viewed as something which existed solely for male titillation is now exploding with awareness. Women WANT. Women are not always sure what they want, it is slippery at times ever growing and changing as we do, and women are less likely to settle for an unsatisfying, painful or unpleasant intimate life. Contrary to many popular jokes, it is not enough, emotionally, or physically to take a hot bath and lock oneself in the bathroom with a vibrator and a romance novel. As women and men come into awareness of the extraordinary potential of female sexuality a hunger is being awakened to discover what it is that they are missing.
Here are some kinds of women who seek out and get sensual massage: in no particular order. The important thing to understand is that in receiving sensual bodywork, a woman is not paying for an orgasm, she is paying for a service which is ultimately an enormous act of self care and personal growth.
To summarize, women who seek out sensual massage run the gamut of ages and socio-economic backgrounds, however the common ground is that they are proactive when it comes to self growth. They desire more for themselves, more within their relationships, and have taken responsibility for their own pleasure. Even if that means simply learning to communicate to another exactly what they need. They are not passive victims, waiting for a fantasy white knight to save them (whilst reading 50 Shades of Grey) or bitterly eschewing men and sex due to past negative experience. They are passionate seekers of more who understand that pleasure is as much the responsibility of the receiver as it is for the giver.
One of the top questions I get is HOW do I get my vanilla partner to want to do kinky things?
The question is about encouraging the partner to want to do new and interesting sexual things and suggest them of their own volition. The people asking this are saying “I want them to want the kinky things that I fantasize about, but I want them to suggest it on their own.. not to have them do it just to make me happy”
The good thing is that they're not complete jerks, unlike the crowd (some pick up artists and porn addicts come to mind) who just wants to force their partner to do whatever painful and hardcore thing has them masturbating at the moment. It disgusts me that there are actually courses on how to do just that, but I digress. The problem is that there is a little bit of misunderstanding in assigning responsibility. For simplicity’s sake I’m going to assign the kinky questioner to the masculine/male partner, and the vanilla shy one as the feminine partner. However, as we all know, the roles mean nothing and either partner can be the more adventurous or creative.
The very first thing to consider is what makes you want to do kinky things? In my experience, one partner will spend more time watching pornography and fantasizing about scenarios that are outside of the relationship. Be mindful of what you are doing, as you are essentially conditioning your brain into what arouses you. Kink can be wonderful and healthy, but when you need to, or regularly disassociate from your real life partner in order to fantasize about something else in order to become aroused it has become a problem.
"WHAT?!?! Does this mean that an enormous percentage of the normal population has a problem?" Well yes, disassociation. Contrary to popular advice, disassociation does not spice up a relationship, it destroys attraction, arousal, pleasure, and the ability to create deeper experiences. Before getting your partner into it, ensure that it is something that you want to do so that you can experience mutual fun and pleasure, rather than simply pretend you’re with someone else to get off. There is nothing that will turn someone off more than feeling like they have to compete with on screen <women, or men> or past partners in order to win your arousal. In fact, that is a sure way to turn anyone off and away from you.
Encouraging creativity: A person must have erotic associations to something in order for them to become erotic fantasy fodder. Lets take spanking, as an example. You may be aroused by spanking because you've masturbated to spanking pornography for years, your partner may see the activity as abusive, or repulsive. So how to get her to ask for it on her own? Two parts
If you crave the dominant role and would love to see her rosy bottom over your knee as she cries out in pleasure, and want her to demurely ask for it you MUST give her positive associations in the safest way possible. Without these associations she has no reason to ever think of it, and every reason to imagine spanking as being uncomfortable, somehow degrading or repulsive. You already see it as hot.. she does not. All you have to do is prop her up nice and comfy in bed, pillows under the hips in a relaxed environment. Start with a nice bum massage, stroking so that she relaxes completely. Then, oh so gently, give her slow rhythmic percussion and stroking, slowly slowly increasing in intensity that arouses almost to the point of orgasm.
This is going to take some time. In videos things happen ridiculously quickly, in real life you must continue rhythmically (not erratically) for a long period of time. You may become tired, so get some stamina! Plan for this to take an evening, and do not rush it or have expectations of results.
Do not permit the release/orgasm, but start to bring in the rest of the body. Continue to spank intermittently and bring in her neck, breasts, continue to raise her arousal until her whole body is on fire. Turn her over and make love to her tenderly and passionately. From that point on spanking is erotic and hot to her and just as importantly, safe. It is imprinted in her mind and occasionally she'll want it and ask for it. If she is the kind of person who is unable to initiate or ask for things that is a completely different kettle of fish.
This kind of introduction needs to be done in order to not be threatening and to encourage the timid vanilla “unimaginative” folk. You can help by foregoing your active sex life outside of the relationship -- which is what masturbating to kinky pornography is -- and comparing your partner in ways that she falls short of your fantasy or ideal. It’s a slippery slope that destroys your ability to be naturally aroused, and destroys relationships as well as sexual performance. It is your responsibility to cultivate and tend to the health and vitality of your own sexual relationship.
There are several facets to optimal male function and not one of them should be neglected. In today’s simplified and quick fix pharmaceutical perspective, the whole is neglected in favour of the parts. Usually one part is fixated on to the detriment of the whole being.
Here is what you need to have optimal health and sexual function as you go through life, in no particular order.
All of these are facets of the whole. Learn to look at your sexuality in a holistic manner and tend to the different aspects of it in a nurturing, nourishing way. Then, reap the rewards!
Peak State Sexuality
Women & Erotic Massage
Want a Kinky Partner
New Sex Therapy
The Erotic Edge
When Sex Stops
Get Them to use Toys 1
Hurting your Erections
Sex every day?
Your Brain On Porn
Low Desire Partner
Sensual Massage for Women
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