Many sexual “healers” and educators talk about awakening the Goddess or God within and wax sentimental about a time where this God/dess was worshipped, revered, and embodied by certain men and women in sacred sexual rituals.  This kind of thing is often dismissed as woo woo or new age nonsense, however when taken as metaphor is relevant and useful even to the most down to earth, scientific and matter of fact person.   


So, what does it mean to activate or embody your inner Sex God or Goddess?   

Simply put, it means to put yourself into a peak state for sex, specifically high level ecstatic connected sex.  Every one of us has a multitude of ego states that we move through in order to navigate our lives.   The state you are in when playing with your children is very different from that in a high stress work environment,  when running from a bear, or when attempting to seduce a lover.  The ego state making the decisions is The Executive.   To access a part of you, a state which feels and behaves like a sexual God/dess, is powerful, sensual, confident, focused, and who lives in a state of love (rather than victim hood or predatorial)  you simply bring that specific state the executive position for as long as necessary.  We see it when a sweet shy seeming woman steps into her role as a high level burlesque dancer on stage,  or when a high level athlete gets into the zone.  Talking about the God/dess does not mean you believe there are powerful beings in the sky, it can also be a metaphor for a set of traits which are beneficial and desirable. 


I say to simply bring this state into the executive,  but what if you don’t know how?  What if your habitual sexual ego state is not a God/dess but is insecure?  Disconnected? Ashamed? Protective?  Defensive?  Manipulative or abusive? 


Intimacy and Sexuality coaches can help teach you to access these positive ego states and integrate them into your relationships:  just as a business coach or motivational or athletic  coach can helps you to access high performance states:  These new intimacy coaches, sacred sex practitioners teach you principles of intimacy and love, and teach you how to access those extraordinarily powerful ego states. 


Forget old belief systems that demonized sexuality, reserving it for procreation and associating it with fear based punishments (hell, anyone?).  Forget new cultural systems which glorify disconnect, objectivity, abuse and promote addictive behaviours that destroy sexual function, sensitivity and even connection and intimacy in relationships.  Neither men or women are satisfied or willing to accept low level status quo experiences anymore! 


This is a time for openness and discussion.  Not the “50 ways to drive him wild” drivel we see in magazine or click bait.  Real, actionable information.  Real, hands on healing. 
There is a need for adult sex education.  These educators, coaches, and skilled bodyworkers enable people to understand themselves and to fully utilize the power of their sexual energy consciously, instead of as a default response to habitual activities and programmed stimulation. 


A common statement that I hear is “I didn’t know something like (The Sensualist) existed”  and at least in Hamilton Ontario, it’s true. There are many well known and incredible educators on the West Coast of both Canada and the US.  Here,  there is a huge divide:   Pharmaceuticals, Therapeutic Clinical Massage,  Sex Therapists (of the verbal consultant type)  and the underground… the erotic massage parlours and providers.  Most in less than savoury conditions, they are there not only to serve the population who are looking for sex at a discounted rate, but unfortunately are the only option for many who are looking for human touch, compassion, and intimacy on a real heart level.  Out of need.  Many of them find themselves offering sex education and advice to their Johns.  There is a missing link and major gap which until now, was not being met.  
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It’s time to address this gap in a wholesome way and provide positive understanding of ourselves.  Healing from the damaging effects that a lifetime of harmful sexual beliefs, habits and experiences and finally to move to generative work.  Raising the sexual consciousness of our relationships and reaping the rewards of such a powerful method of connecting and being together in love. It starts with a shift in perception, and it starts with a new kind of coach/teacher/educator, and bodywork which supports an individual’s personal intimate healing and growth. 


THIS is the mission at The Sensualist.  
It is a new kind of experience, an opportunity to heal and discover your  sexual self and improve your relationships.

What are Yoni Eggs, and Why should I use them?

Yoni is a Sanskrit word that literally translated means “sacred temple”  and is used to mean vagina. I love the term as it relates to massage and intimacy because it demonstrates the reverence and intention behind the physical actions of touch and awareness exercises.

When working with women or couples, one of the first things that must be done is that she cultivate yoni health and awareness. It is important to know that this is not all about developing muscular strength or a “vice grip.”  It is about awareness, sensitivity, appreciation, responsiveness, and love.  The opposite of what many women experience with their yonis,  more typically are issues such as:  numbness, tension, shame, disgust, feelings of unworthiness, frustration and disconnection.  

How healthy is your connection to your yoni?  Do you listen to her needs? Do you nourish her with loving care or speak silent words about her, questioning her appearance, performance, smell and taste?   Are you engaging in activities that promote her health, provide pleasure, and increase love?

The Short List:

Eggs Strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor and urogenital diaphragm. What does that mean in terms of results?

• Stronger and more intense orgasms
• More urinary control,  for those who have had children or are older, this means no leakage!
• A stronger grip during intercourse, no explanation needed.
• Mindful practice with the Yoni Egg allows for Increased Vaginal Sensitivity, more pleasure and perception inside of you during intercourse. Many women complain of not being able to feel much pleasure from intercourse,  rather than dismiss or ignore the vagina,  increase perception to experience more of yourself and your partner.  Move away from numbing and draining disassociated and excessively intense stimulation and cultivate your true female sexual energy.
• Yoni eggs increase arousal and lubrication, strengthening and conditioning the vaginal canal for women who are experiencing dryness and discomfort with menopause.  They give a gentle, smooth and safe internal massage bringing blood flow and nutrients to the delicate tissue.
• Following Childbirth, they are an essential part of regaining tone and tissue health and bladder control.
• For women who have experienced sexual trauma, and or idiopathic vaginal pain and discomfort (do not self diagnose, always check with your doctor that there is nothing else going on) eggs provide a gentle and safe way to massage and relax the tissue, releasing tension and stored negative emotions.  I believe that emotional work using Hypnosis or EFT is essential to do in conjunction with Egg Work and even Bodywork by a qualified professional for sexual healing.   Do not take this lightly or choose someone at random.  Do your homework when choosing someone to work with you for healing.

For most women, starting with a Medium or Large egg is correct,  over time a smaller egg can be used as strength and sensitivity increases.  For most, a small egg will be useless as they will be unable to even feel it inside,  you DO want to be able to feel it and to squeeze against the sides for resistance and massage. Do not choose too small of an egg to start due to vanity or ego.

Stay tuned for ways to use them alone, with a partner to enhance intercourse, for both pleasure and health. I do supply Eggs at The Sensualist,  primarily Medium and Large,  with some sets that include all three sizes M, L and small. ​

Self care is associated with valuing one’s self.  We all know men and women who do nothing for themselves and spend life seeking validation through self deprivation, self neglect and caring for others.  On the contrary, there is a healthy level of self care that does not necessarily have to be expensive, but involves effort, nurture, and upkeep of one’s own mental and emotional health,  physical health and appearance.  This includes personal grooming: hair, clothes make-up, skin, nails and yes, sexuality. Sexuality is an integral part of an adult’s total make up, when it is neglected then a piece is missing.  
Society and women make a lot of judgements over why men will seek out sensual or erotic massage. Part of this is simply ignorance over what a massage entails, and why people are seeking it.  I can categorize these men  (with authority) into three general groups.  

1. The first is what people imagine:  Men are inherently sexual and simply want to get their rocks off. Yes, this exists, and these men generally seek out the cheapest or flashiest way to do this, it’s the sleazy underground.  It’s the compulsive, the sex addicts, and the pornography of the industry.
2. Men who are seeking connection.  For them, touch is intimate, fulfilling and a basic human need and for one reason or another it is not being met in their lives.  They do not know where else to turn when cheating or having an affair is not an option.  Desperation and a plummeted self esteem often comes into play here and there is a deep sadness and pain at the lack of intimate touch and connection in their lives. Whether it is a chronically single male, or a male whose spouse has ended or severely limited physical relations.  There is a lack of understanding of how fundamentally important human touch and connection is to a person’s well being.  Babies who are not held “fail to thrive” and will even die.  Adults are no different.
3. Men who are experiencing sexual difficulties and are looking for advice and healing from someone who has experience and knowledge of men’s bodies and sexuality. Providers are seen as a “safe”  place to air sexual concerns, they are removed from the client personally and do not have reactive emotions or hurt feelings to his problem the way a female partner often does.  Coming to terms and seeking help for a sexual problem is incredibly difficult for a male, whose identity, ego and self esteem is highly tied to his masculine and sexual self image.  Validation can play a part in this:  Validation from a provider.

Women’s sexuality is one of the hot public topics now, something marginalized in the past, or viewed as something which existed solely for male titillation is now exploding with awareness.  Women WANT.  Women are not always sure what they want,  it is slippery at times ever growing and changing as we do, and women are less likely to settle for an unsatisfying, painful or unpleasant intimate life.  Contrary to many popular jokes,  it is not enough, emotionally, or physically to take a hot bath and lock oneself in the bathroom with a vibrator and a romance novel. As women and men come into awareness of the extraordinary potential of female sexuality a hunger is being awakened to discover what it is that they are missing.  

Here are some kinds of women who seek out and get sensual massage:  in no particular order. The important thing to understand is that in receiving sensual bodywork, a woman is not paying for an orgasm, she is paying for a service which is ultimately an enormous act of self care and personal growth. 

1. Out of a relationship (or at a turning point within a relationship) and on a path of self discovery and healing.  Bodywork and focused attention is incredibly healing.  Women have often had the experience of their pleasure being used to gratify a man's ego, to turn him on or otherwise make him happy in some way. Their pleasure is not their own in that situation.  With sensual massage the purpose is to explore and experience the mind body connection. There is no right or wrong way to respond, there is no right or wrong way to look or feel. The intent is relaxation, safety, and to sink into the sensation of pleasure with the practitioner's hands and energy as facilitators to discover and experience oneself.  No more, no less.
2. Severe body image issues that interfere with experiencing sensual pleasure and even living life.  Many women are unable to permit their bodies to be pleasured because they feel they are not: young, beautiful, skinny, sexy etc. enough to deserve that loving adoration.  What they do not understand is that their bodies are made for pleasure, and that pleasure has nothing to do with their physical appearance.  Having a running commentary of self critical comments about one’s body is one of the best ways to destroy pleasure and intimate relating.  A woman with poor body esteem will close herself to her partner, and not allow herself to be pleasured.  She will not engage in activities that she deems herself “not attractive enough” to do:   lingerie, yoga, beach or bathing suit activities, even dancing or going out to certain events,  signing up for teams or group activities.  Healing sensual bodywork can and does change that.  Women who receive physical adoration through bodywork will find themselves loving their own skin and starting to engage in other activities which express self respect and love, this spills over into relationships and working life.
3. No ability to orgasm or receive pleasure at another’s touch.  This can be tied into the above.  Many women find it very difficult to let go and experience orgasm during partner sex, the two common reasons are that they are unable to receive the attention, be present, express their sexual needs and another is that they have trained themselves to orgasm in one specific way and cannot do it any other.  Sensual bodywork is a safe environment to expand the body’s capacity for pleasure and open up orgasmic capabilities.  It is an incredibly beautiful experience when a woman surrenders to her own arousal and sexual response and increases her orgasmic capacity.  
4. Women who want to discover their own bodies and learn how to communicate their needs to their partner.  It is rare to find a woman who knows her body inside out and is able to communicate those ever changing needs to a partner.  Often we inhibit communication about our needs, not wanting to appear demanding, weird, or to hurt a man’s ego when what he is doing is not what we want.   Many women (and men) do not have the luxury of a patient and knowledgeable lover who knows how to take the time to safely explore and discover their bodies with positive methods of communicating sexual needs.  As an aside, time and time again men report that the best lovers they have ever experienced were women who were self aware and able to communicate what they need to be pleasured,  rather than women who put on an act, were focused on appearance or “trying to please.”   It is an interesting reversal of popular, and pornographic perception.

To summarize, women who seek out sensual massage run the gamut of ages and socio-economic backgrounds, however the common ground is that they are proactive when it comes to self growth.  They desire more for themselves, more within their relationships, and have taken responsibility for their own pleasure.  Even if that means simply learning to communicate to another exactly what they need.  They are not passive victims, waiting for a fantasy white knight to save them (whilst reading 50 Shades of Grey) or bitterly eschewing men and sex due to past negative experience. They are passionate seekers of more who understand that pleasure is as much the responsibility of the receiver as it is for the giver.
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One of the top questions I get is HOW do I get my vanilla partner to want to do kinky things?

The question is about encouraging the partner to want to do new and interesting sexual things and suggest them of their own volition.  The people asking this are saying “I want them to want the kinky things that I fantasize about,  but I want them to suggest it on their own.. not to have them do it just to make me happy”

The good thing is that they're not complete jerks, unlike the crowd  (some pick up artists and porn addicts come to mind)   who just wants to force their partner to do whatever painful and hardcore thing has them masturbating at the moment.  It disgusts me that there are actually courses on how to do just that, but I digress.  The problem is that there is a little bit of misunderstanding in assigning responsibility.  For simplicity’s sake I’m going to assign the kinky questioner to the masculine/male  partner, and the vanilla shy one as the feminine partner.  However, as we all know, the roles mean nothing and either partner can be the more adventurous or creative.

The very first thing to consider is what makes you want to do kinky things?   In my experience, one partner will spend more time watching pornography and fantasizing about scenarios that are outside of the relationship.  Be mindful of what you are doing, as you are essentially conditioning your brain into what arouses you.    Kink can be wonderful and healthy, but when you need to, or regularly disassociate from your real life partner in order to fantasize about something else in order to become aroused it has become a problem.   

"WHAT?!?!  Does this mean that an enormous percentage of the normal population has a problem?"  Well yes, disassociation.  Contrary to popular advice,  disassociation does not spice up a relationship, it destroys attraction, arousal, pleasure, and the ability to create deeper experiences. Before getting your partner into it, ensure that it is something that you want to do so that you can experience mutual fun and pleasure, rather than simply pretend you’re with someone else to get off.  There is nothing that will turn someone off more than feeling like they have to compete with on screen <women, or men> or past partners in order to win your arousal.  In fact, that is a sure way to turn anyone off and away from you.

Encouraging creativity:  A person must have erotic associations to something in order for them to become erotic fantasy fodder.   Lets take spanking, as an example.   You may be aroused by spanking because you've masturbated to spanking pornography for years, your partner may see the activity as abusive, or repulsive.  So how to get her to ask for it on her own?   Two parts

1. owning your own desires and not delegating responsibility to the other
   
   
2. teaching them to have erotic associations to the activity so that they can, in the future, desire it of their own volition.                                                                                       

If you crave something you cannot expect your partner to magically produce and fulfill your fantasies.  You must communicate in a way that not only expresses your desire, but gives non threatening opportunity for that desire to be met.   You secretly want to be pegged?  Well that is some serious stuff for the vanilla person to understand and accept, but most people naturally love to see their partner in pleasure.  So do the research.  Ask your partner for a “tech day”  prostate massage, just to try it out and see how it feels.  Prepare yourself with an  enema, scrub all crevices,   buy gloves and lube and make it easy and not gross or smelly for her to do, give instructions.  Make the first experience something easy and fun so that she is happy to do it again,  and again,  and will gain confidence and excitement over the increasing pleasure that she sees it gives you.   From there it can expand and ultimately result in your desire.  When she has enjoyable erotic associations to an activity she will want to do it.

If you crave the dominant role and would love to see her rosy bottom over your knee as she cries out in pleasure, and want her to demurely ask for it you MUST give her positive associations in the safest way possible.  Without these associations she has no reason to ever think of it, and every reason to imagine spanking as being uncomfortable, somehow degrading or repulsive.   You already see it as hot.. she does not.   All you have to do is prop her up nice and comfy in bed, pillows under the hips in a relaxed environment.  Start with a nice bum massage, stroking so that she relaxes completely.  Then, oh so gently, give her slow rhythmic percussion and stroking,  slowly slowly increasing in intensity that arouses almost to the point of  orgasm.  

This is going to take some time.  In videos things happen ridiculously quickly, in real life you must continue rhythmically (not erratically) for a long period of time.  You may become tired,  so get some stamina!  Plan for this to take an evening, and do not rush it or have expectations of results. 

Do not permit the release/orgasm, but start to bring in the rest of the body.  Continue to spank intermittently and bring in her neck, breasts, continue to raise her arousal until her whole body is on fire.   Turn her over and make love to her tenderly and passionately.  From that point on spanking is erotic and hot to her and just as importantly, safe.  It is imprinted in her mind and occasionally she'll want it and ask for it. If she is the kind of person who is unable to initiate or ask for things that is a completely different kettle of fish.

This kind of introduction needs to be done in order to not be threatening and to encourage the timid vanilla “unimaginative”  folk.  You can help by foregoing your active sex life outside of the relationship -- which is what masturbating to kinky pornography is -- and comparing your partner in ways that she falls short of your fantasy or ideal.   It’s a slippery slope that destroys your ability to be naturally aroused, and destroys relationships as well as sexual performance.  It is your responsibility to cultivate and tend to the health and vitality of your own sexual relationship.

Since coming out with the program:  The Multi Orgasmic Male unconscious programming   there has been some buzz about what that actually means.   

Many men (and even more women) are under the misconception that Orgasm and Ejaculation are the same thing, they are not.  Orgasms are an experience of pleasure that is very intense, and have a wide variety of ways that they are experienced. I describe it as the experience of your sexual energy in your body when you’ve built it up to a peak level. You can have multiple or prolonged orgasms and experience orgasms in different ways without losing your arousal or desire.  Erections naturally wax and wane throughout a period of time,  but orgasms do not mean the loss of an erection either.

Ejaculation is the release of ejaculate as a reflex to sexual stimulation.  Biologically it is designed to impregnate.  In essence, it is the release of your sexual energy and not the experience of it.   With ejaculation comes a cascade of hormones and neurotransmitters that signals to the male  “Your job is done here”    You experience a low in testosterone and energy, prolactin is raised and you have a refractory period.   This period is longer the older you are, and gets longer in long term relationships.

Why develop multi-orgasmic capacities?

The benefits of managing ejaculation are numerous, for an in depth discussion and review of the pitfalls of ejaculation see:   Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow,  other recommended reading is “The Multi Orgasmic Man”  by Mantak Chia,  which was my original introduction to the concept of sexual mastery.

1. MORE PLEASURE   developing ejaculatory control means your capacity for pleasure is limitless.   Most men care deeply about their partner’s satisfaction,  to the point of utilizing many pleasure killing and dissociative techniques to delay ejaculation or “last longer.”   When the fear of PE is not there and a man’s pleasure capacity is limitless, he can fully engage and me in the moment, creating true intimacy and connection.  
   
   
2. Orgasms are so much more than just the release.   I always say, if the release is the best part… the sex must not be very good.  You are capable of experiencing so much more than you think you are
   
   
3. Sex is, for the most part, about pleasure and connection… NOT about procreation.  It can and should be improving and refining as you age.  So many people are measuring their sexual performance and skills on a crude scale that has to do with procreative capacity volume, nothing more.    It is more, it just HOW much can you feel?  HOW much can you tune into your partner and be present?  How wonderful and deep and ecstatic can this experience get?    That has nothing to do with how much ejaculatry volume you rpoducte, how far it shoots across the room,  or how vigorously you can perform sexual acrobatics.   It is not a performance, it’s an engagement.  
   
   
4. Correct utilization of energy:  Now that you are not using all of your vital juices up in babymaking, you can use that for…. maintaining your masculine health, optimal testosterone levels, levels of desire, energy, and better erections as you age.
   
   
5. The incredible self confidence and inner strength that comes from having your sexuality in it’s best condition, regardless of age.

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