It’s been said that female sexuality is narcissistic, in that we desire to be desired. It’s not that we desire others.... but that we desire to be the object of desire, particularly from men who have status. Whatever that means.
And so women work hard to be desirable, to look beautiful, to be sexy, exotic and palatable, and to not have desires of our own except “to be wanted.”
And how delicious is it to be hotly desired! Pursued, chased, “taken” or claimed by he who was so overcome by his lust that he had no choice but to take you.
And yet, it’s so common as to be normalized that women are having trouble “orgasming with a partner.” That they find him attractive but there is something pathological wrong with their NORMAL orgasmic response, with their libido, with their desire. Sometimes they'll say they are numb, since their body is not responding to what is happening to it.
I’m going to say that there is more to female sexuality than being an object of desire. That the concept that being desired is what is our overwhelming (only) requirement is immature and needy. That looking past “being desirable” into what we truly desire, what is wanted, and to WHAT ACTUALLY FEELS GOOD is important. This idea that all a woman needs is to be “claimed” by some ultra masculine dude with psychopathic energy (doesn't care what she wants, just takes her for his pleasure and she finds bliss in submission) does everyone a disservice and pathologizes the fact that sex should also FEEL GOOD TO THE BODY, not just be a bandaid to whatever egotistical and esteem wounds someone has.
So I’m just going to say it: bodies like touch, sex should feel good, arousal takes time, physiological sexual response takes longer than mental arousal, fantasies are not reality, and in case you missed it the first time SEX SHOULD FEEL GOOD. Talking about sex is necessary. Words are important -- this idea that words are not necessary if it’s right is also immature and irresponsible.
Everyone knows it feels good to be desired. So, my question to you is -- what ELSE do you want? Look past the passivity of being an object for somebody else and ask yourself what is a real turn on for you? Make a list! Sometimes if you've never explored your desires they can be small and weak and take playing with your mind and imagination to develop. Seek out some reading or visual material to explore these things, or bring them up to your partner.
I would love to know what you discover.
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