How Do I Get My Vanilla Partner To Want To Do Kinky Things?

One of the top questions I get is HOW do I get my vanilla partner to want to do kinky things?

The question is about encouraging the partner to want to do new and interesting sexual things and suggest them of their own volition.  The people asking this are saying “I want them to want the kinky things that I fantasize about,  but I want them to suggest it on their own.. not to have them do it just to make me happy”

The good thing is that they're not complete jerks, unlike the crowd  (some pick up artists and porn addicts come to mind)   who just wants to force their partner to do whatever painful and hardcore thing has them masturbating at the moment.  It disgusts me that there are actually courses on how to do just that, but I digress.  The problem is that there is a little bit of misunderstanding in assigning responsibility.  For simplicity’s sake I’m going to assign the kinky questioner to the masculine/male  partner, and the vanilla shy one as the feminine partner.  However, as we all know, the roles mean nothing and either partner can be the more adventurous or creative.

The very first thing to consider is what makes you want to do kinky things?   In my experience, one partner will spend more time watching pornography and fantasizing about scenarios that are outside of the relationship.  Be mindful of what you are doing, as you are essentially conditioning your brain into what arouses you.    Kink can be wonderful and healthy, but when you need to, or regularly disassociate from your real life partner in order to fantasize about something else in order to become aroused it has become a problem.   

"WHAT?!?!  Does this mean that an enormous percentage of the normal population has a problem?"  Well yes, disassociation.  Contrary to popular advice,  disassociation does not spice up a relationship, it destroys attraction, arousal, pleasure, and the ability to create deeper experiences. Before getting your partner into it, ensure that it is something that you want to do so that you can experience mutual fun and pleasure, rather than simply pretend you’re with someone else to get off.  There is nothing that will turn someone off more than feeling like they have to compete with on screen <women, or men> or past partners in order to win your arousal.  In fact, that is a sure way to turn anyone off and away from you.

Encouraging creativity:  A person must have erotic associations to something in order for them to become erotic fantasy fodder.   Lets take spanking, as an example.   You may be aroused by spanking because you've masturbated to spanking pornography for years, your partner may see the activity as abusive, or repulsive.  So how to get her to ask for it on her own?   Two parts

1. owning your own desires and not delegating responsibility to the other
   
   
2. teaching them to have erotic associations to the activity so that they can, in the future, desire it of their own volition.                                                                                       

If you crave something you cannot expect your partner to magically produce and fulfill your fantasies.  You must communicate in a way that not only expresses your desire, but gives non threatening opportunity for that desire to be met.   You secretly want to be pegged?  Well that is some serious stuff for the vanilla person to understand and accept, but most people naturally love to see their partner in pleasure.  So do the research.  Ask your partner for a “tech day”  prostate massage, just to try it out and see how it feels.  Prepare yourself with an  enema, scrub all crevices,   buy gloves and lube and make it easy and not gross or smelly for her to do, give instructions.  Make the first experience something easy and fun so that she is happy to do it again,  and again,  and will gain confidence and excitement over the increasing pleasure that she sees it gives you.   From there it can expand and ultimately result in your desire.  When she has enjoyable erotic associations to an activity she will want to do it.

If you crave the dominant role and would love to see her rosy bottom over your knee as she cries out in pleasure, and want her to demurely ask for it you MUST give her positive associations in the safest way possible.  Without these associations she has no reason to ever think of it, and every reason to imagine spanking as being uncomfortable, somehow degrading or repulsive.   You already see it as hot.. she does not.   All you have to do is prop her up nice and comfy in bed, pillows under the hips in a relaxed environment.  Start with a nice bum massage, stroking so that she relaxes completely.  Then, oh so gently, give her slow rhythmic percussion and stroking,  slowly slowly increasing in intensity that arouses almost to the point of  orgasm.  

This is going to take some time.  In videos things happen ridiculously quickly, in real life you must continue rhythmically (not erratically) for a long period of time.  You may become tired,  so get some stamina!  Plan for this to take an evening, and do not rush it or have expectations of results. 

Do not permit the release/orgasm, but start to bring in the rest of the body.  Continue to spank intermittently and bring in her neck, breasts, continue to raise her arousal until her whole body is on fire.   Turn her over and make love to her tenderly and passionately.  From that point on spanking is erotic and hot to her and just as importantly, safe.  It is imprinted in her mind and occasionally she'll want it and ask for it. If she is the kind of person who is unable to initiate or ask for things that is a completely different kettle of fish.

This kind of introduction needs to be done in order to not be threatening and to encourage the timid vanilla “unimaginative”  folk.  You can help by foregoing your active sex life outside of the relationship -- which is what masturbating to kinky pornography is -- and comparing your partner in ways that she falls short of your fantasy or ideal.   It’s a slippery slope that destroys your ability to be naturally aroused, and destroys relationships as well as sexual performance.  It is your responsibility to cultivate and tend to the health and vitality of your own sexual relationship.