How do I get my partner to use a dildo? Part 1 of 4

In my role as a sexual consultant I have heard every variation of "How do I get my partner to use sex toys with me." There are thousands of articles out there, but they're lacking in depth. Of course the answer is to communicate, but how? And how can you do it in a way that makes them enthusiastic, rather than apprehensive and turned off, or worse, activating insecurities and causing tension and a breakdown of arousal and attraction? There are emotional variants involved as well as different dynamics. So, I decided to break down the question into several common dynamics and hey, if you don't fit into one and need advice then write in the comments below. Each week I will write another part to this subject.

1. Man, wanting to use a dildo on his partner when they are not already using toys and actively communicating about them.
   
2. Woman, with a desire for a certain experience with a toy... wanting her partner to use it on her.
   
3. Using dildos to enhance a relationship that includes some erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.
   
4. Using toys in a way that develops, rather than hurts your pleasure capacity and sexual sensitivity to explore your relationship and add to the toolbox.
   

Lets start with "I'm a man, I think it would be so hot to use a dildo on my partner, how do I introduce it to her?"
First of all, sexual communication needs to be a priority in every relationship. If you're uncommunicative to the point where you need advice on this, it's time to open up the lines and start to talk to each other. I'm writing this article for the kind of woman who is uncertain, not the kind who is gung ho and knows what she wants, how she wants it, and is ready to tell you how to do it down to the last detail.

The question you have to ask yourself is, what is it about using it on her that you find compelling? I'm going to assume that 1. you want her to feel pleasure, and find it arousing and satisfying to imagine this new physical experience that will bring her great pleasure and 2. you will find it visually stimulating to watch it happen.

I suggest that you talk to her at an appropriate time, snuggling on the couch, out for drinks, not mid coitus or when she is trying to put screaming kids to bed, and ask her if she's ever considered bringing toys into your lovemaking. Then, express that it is a big turn on for you to imagine using one on her. Don't react if she says no, or responds negatively. You're communicating now to learn about each other and you want to know who she is and what her desires are too.

From there, ask what kinds of toys she has used in the past, how they felt, and in which way she used them. If she is negative, find out what her experiences are. Find out why, and what happened! Be compassionate and understanding and do not view this from the sole angle of getting her to do something you want. Respect that she doesn't want it for a reason and find out what the reason is. I hated cunnilingus until my current partner, and believe me it was not because I had not experienced a lot of it. Oral sex was on my "just don't do it" list and I was adamant about itbecause I won't do sex that doesn't feel good. However, my partner went this route and after some time I actually asked HIM if he would do it to me. He took it gentle steps at a time, never overwhelming or hurting me and now... well now I can't get enough of it, in every form, with or without toys. Remember, if she is apprehensive open her up, do not push things on her.

I once had an ex who right after I orgasmed, would start shooting off at the mouth about all kinds of really kinky things that he wanted to do to me and with me. It was so repulsive, especially in that emotionally open and vulnerable period right after orgasm, that it shut me down completely and scared me a bit, it was so insensitive to my needs. The thing is, I'm open to trying most things and enjoy a wide variety of very kinky things. They just need to be broached in a way that is safe feeling to me, and that makes me feel like I am going to enjoy it. My partner and I like to share articles and pictures via email, and then decide to have more serious chats or try things out on "tech days" which will be addressed in an upcoming article.

Whether the response is positive or negative, a fun activity that I suggest you do ona semi regular basis is to browse a sex toy store together either online, or in person, and point out toys that are attractive to you. Why they are, and how you imagine they could be used in a way that will feel pleasurable. I like http://sensual-intelligence.ca/  for both presentation and the excellent quality of the toys. 

For example, that porn clip you saw of "lesbians" in ecstasy while driving each other with enormous dildos may have tickled your fancy and had you imagining using a whopper on your woman, seeing her scream in ways that only being filled up to that degree can create. (I disagree but that is not for this article). Porn is fake. If you do what you saw you will hurt her and turn her off, don't make her fake things to hurt your feelings. Large dildos can cause pain and damage when used incorrectly, however, with a normal woman if you arouse her body be starting outward and working in, bringing her to a huge degree of arousal before penetration then slowly slowly insert her with that sizable object and let the stillness and pressure of penetration fill her, use tiny movements and gentle pressing... do that in conjunction with nipple sucking and gentle clit nuzzling you'll find her going wild. As opposed to hurting her and turning her off.

Manage your expectations of response, especially the first time. Let her just feel the sensations. Don't expect her to act like a porn star. Maybe she will find it immensely pleasurable, but let it happen.. or not happen, then discuss how it felt and if there is anything that could have made it feel better. The 5th time you use a toy is probably going to be better than the first as you gain proficiency together. She won't get as turned on if she feels pressure to respond a certain way.

Lastly, get to know her internal and external anatomy. I'm sure you're excellent in bed. But explore her, map her vulva and map her internal vagina by playing with her using your fingers and finding out which spots are more responsive and what kind of stimulation they like. My Gspot likes different things than the spot slightly above it, and that is different than the left side wall spot and the deep spot - which really just likes pulsing or sustained pressure and is difficult to reach when fully aroused but is like a thousand choirs of angels raining ecstasy on me with their voices and raising me to heaven. When you know her body, you can have the confidence to use toys on it because you'll know what kinds of things to do with them. Pleasure is so sexy.