Today's post has to be prefaced by a disclaimer: I am as open, erotic and non judgmental as they come. I am non religious (though deeply spiritual) and have hedonistic tendencies that I try to balance with a degree of healthy but not restrictive responsibility. In a society that seems to be increasingly promoting the practice of wringing out as many orgasms as you possibly can out of your body and everyone else's, it feels a bit risky to say enough is enough.
This post has been building for some time, but was triggered by an email from a favourite sex furniture company, advertising their sex toys via an article. Sex toys that admittedly give far more intense stimulation than a partner ever could, encouraging the disconnecting practice of cozying up to you computer screen with scenes and sensations far hotter than anything real life has to offer. Ahhh this is bliss. Isn't it? Empowering just to be able to take care of yourself. Is it? I also have countless clients who confess with frustration that their loved ones are not interested in sex, often to the point of refusing cuddling, massages and non sexual touch. However, they are quite happy to spend a few minutes with BOB (Battery operated Boyfriend) who “does the job.” Some wires are crossed here, and something isn't working. For the record, aforementioned sex furniture is Great Stuff.
We have reached stimulation overload and are numbed and disconnected. There is no awareness of the difference between pleasure and fulfillment, and compulsion and drive. More is not better in this case. I'm an advocate for pleasure, intimacy and love. There are so many levels to this from porn addiction (real life is bland), to actual physical numbness and inability to experience pleasure the way it can be experienced. There is not much pleasure in just squeezing out yet another, possibly while imagining a scene from your favourite book or images online. No, in spite of the “orgasms cure all” idea that is making the rounds lately, it's not the actual orgasms or intense passion and erotic rush that make you happy, they make you seek them out compulsively yes, but contentment, pleasure and happiness are in the intimacy of sex, the touching, the pleasure, the erotic exploration and the bonding aspects of it which are immensely satisfying and harmonious.
Imagine an incredible high quality meal full of delicate aromas and flavours is prepared for you. Now, before that meal have an entire bag of msg laden salt and vinegar chips, then as many wings as you can eat, slathered in the hottest sauce that you can physically tolerate. First of all, are you hungry enough to even want the masterpiece partner? I mean meal? There is no hunger or desire for it. Second, even if you do force yourself to eat now, you cannot even taste what it is you're putting in your mouth. We're the same way with intimacy and eroticism. All day every day our minds are overloaded with sexual images. The unconscious mind is unable to differentiate between a real willing partner and a fake one (image, video). We're exposed to not only images, but to ideas and concepts that have nothing to do with reality and are designed solely to create dissatisfaction, in order to make willing buyers out of you. Yes, making you sexually dissatisfied means you're willing to buy shit you don't need. Tell me you didn't go out and do a little shopping, at least online, after the shades of grey explosion happened whether you read and enjoyed the book or not. The biggest thing I heard was the women all lamenting that they wished they could feel the unrealistic excitement and pleasure described. They can, but sex and pleasure are skills to be cultivated. Not magically bestowed upon passive and sexually irresponsible women who are too timid to ask for it and completely unaware of their own bodies.
There is too much of a good thing., there is such a thing as numbness, and burnout. Yet, compulsively seeking a bigger hit sometimes is worn as a badge of honour: it feels edgy, like you're a real sexy beast, exotic and exciting. EXTREME. But you know when the belly is full of water, switching from a straw to a garden hose is not going to bring more satisfaction. Have you ever had a glass of freezing cold water when you're parched and immensely thirsty, food after a day's work out of doors, or passionately kissed your lover after a long period of time apart? I'm not suggesting abstinence as a way to increase pleasure, but I am suggesting that we re-sensitize and strike a mindful balance, designed for maximum pleasure, rather than increase the stimuli or seek greater novelty. In essence get more, far far more, out of less. I mentioned in another article that I experience erotic pleasure and ecstasy from the lightest of touch from my lover now that is far greater than the most intense orgasm experienced in my 20s. That is cultivated and developed, it's an ability and choice. Not only on my part, but my partner's as well.
I was listening to a girlfriend recently relate something I hear far too often. Mr Studley, her big, buff, manly sex god of a boyfriend, who could go for six hours of wild passionate sex was not cutting it, she couldn't orgasm with him. Ever. So she faked it. Why? Well he was rough, leaving bruises and biting, was not attentive to her body, he basically abused and shut her down forcing her body to numb and protect itself (all in the name of hot hot sex!!!) rather than open up to ecstasy. Six hours of that sounds excessive, and for the record marathon painful sex isn't cool and that is what makes us not want to be touched. Just saying. Even if you're proud you can last that long, we're just tired, and sore. Again, I hear this kind of story all the time, both from confused men and despairing women. And in fairness, he may have been a terrible (in my opinion) lover, but she is enabling him. Men aren't born lovers, they have to learn from somewhere ladies, how about we communicate with them instead of having them learn from their favourite porn hub or pick up artist manual?
Stop thrill seeking and look within for something deeper.
I recommend the book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, by Marina Robinson.
I also recommend the site yourbrainonporn.com for general awareness of the effect of a constant barrage of images on our brain and subsequent response to normal stimuli in our lives. Seriously, what you look at shapes your perception of your partner. I happen to love finding my partner immensely sexy and attractive in every way, it's pleasure for me. I think we all want to experience that with the one we love, or are courting, and it's silly to squander the gifts of pleasure we have with our partners through lack of mindfulness and empty damaging compulsive consumption of images or physical stimulation through intense vibration and other sensations --done to the degree that they are habitual and necessary for arousal.
Future posts will include techniques and practices for enhancing your ability to feel sexual and or sensual pleasure.
Peak State Sexuality
Women & Erotic Massage
Want a Kinky Partner
New Sex Therapy
The Erotic Edge
When Sex Stops
Get Them to use Toys 1
Hurting your Erections
Sex every day?
Your Brain On Porn
Low Desire Partner
Sensual Massage for Women
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