As an intimacy educator, I often hear from men of all ages, who are concerned about their lacklustre libido and want to know how to rev it up.
Porn and pills do not assist your libido. They provide artificial stimuli and a brief flare of sexual energy which leaves you even more depleted. A holistic approach builds your inner fire and resources. Your sexual energy and magnetism is increased to a level which is palpable and drives your daily life.
The very first thing to note is that if there is some major stressful event going on in your life – what you're going through is normal and not pathological. Divorce, change or loss of job, major issues with family or injury all drain your energy. You cannot compartmentalize, the sexual you is part of you as a whole. Accept it and work to get your emotional life in order, your libido will return.
1. If you're in one, ensure your relationship is good or great. If it isn't, brush up on communication skills (I am a major fan of Al Turtle's essays) and create an excellent relationship. This is non negotiable. If you have past trauma and “issues” that are affecting things get them taken care of. I do not have much patience for the kind of therapy that takes years to have you talk about why your parents are to blame for everything in life. I do find Hypnotherapy, Faster EFT, and Mindscaping (as practised by Dr. Mike Mandel and his students) to be rapid and immensely effective.
2. For the love of Eros get rid of your addiction to porn. Yes, you're in denial. If you cannot easily go for 30 days without being drawn to look at porn then you are in some way addicted. Porn creates changes in brain chemistry and does not allow you to respond in a healthy manner to real life sexual scenarios. Period. See www.yourbrainonporn.com for more details.
3. Expand your sexual toolbox. Move beyond your role of “observer” and begin to cultivate new sexual practices, ones that cultivate new neural pathways and heighten the body's responsiveness. I recommend sensual restraint as a way to switch from the most common rut of observer/reacter to participant. Get in the habit of enjoying sensuality for pleasure's sake, not as a means to an end.
4. Cultivate physical and mental health. Ensure you have a reasonable diet that you are active. Being active is not elective, our bodies are designed to move and if you do not move you will become stagnant. Heavy lifts to increase testosterone, lots of walking, yoga is the perfect balance of mind body connection and anti-ageing. Yoga teaches you to be present in your body, the side effects of strength, endurance, flexibility and a supple body that can easily perform sexually are phenomenal. Get enough protein, natural fats, and if you supplement, then Zinc, Ginseng, and Tribulus have great reputations. If you're depressed, change it naturally through meditation, exercise and mindful practices. Depression medication is a sex killer.
5. Last but not least is to cultivate rather than release your sexual energy. Arousal is the cultivation of sexual energy, ejaculation is the release of it. Think about why you ejaculate, it's to get rid of whatever tension you've built up, to the degree that people actually use ejaculation as a stress relief for non sexually related stressors. If you're lacking in sexual tension – raising it artificially through some intense stimuli, then expelling it through ejaculation is the opposite of what you are trying to achieve. You want to keep that driving force within you, to feel it pulsating and compelling you. Sexual arousal without ejaculation is nature's way of increasing testosterone. I'm a huge proponent of morning and night cuddling, playing and enjoying erotic touch, not necessarily to orgasm every time. And yes, there is orgasm without ejaculation. You can learn this through a tantric practitioner or through mindful practice and the book “Cultivating male sexual energy” by Mantak Chia. I teach it via The Sensualist as well. It's simple and extremely effective. It will set you, and your libido, on fire.
Enjoy these techniques, and a more lusty life!
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