The top three concerns that males seek help for in my practice, in this order, are Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation, and Inability to Ejaculate with a partner (is sometimes combined with erectile dysfunction).
Men often chalk their erection issues down to age. What I want all of you to know is that males in good health, and by good health I mean emotionally, mentally and physically, can enjoy satisfying erections well into their old age. Hint, 80 is the new 50. The erection should not be the factor that inhibits or eliminates sex from a man or couple's life.
These things are the main contributors to your soft serve status:
Diminished levels of sexual attraction is something that many people experience, especially in long term relationships. Even people who married the perfect 10 of their high school fantasies, find that 10 has changed over the years due to children, the natural effects of aging, weight fluctuations, others were never blessed with extreme good looks to begin with.
As a sexual consultant I have heard every variant of complaint over not finding a partner “as exciting” that there is. It is used as the complainer’s good reason that they: fantasize about others, look at pornography, visit sexual service providers, have affairs, or simply do not pay sexual attention to their partner, as well as why their sexual performance is diminished
I’d like to give a heads up: this is a downward spiral that does not end until you get off of it completely. You are responsible for what you are responsive to. Take a minute and reread that sentence again. Everything that you do sexually trains your brain and your body to respond MORE to what you are doing. So, if you consistently use specific stimuli that is NOT your partner you will train yourself to respond to that, instead of him or her. If you consistently use your partner to create incredible erotic and emotionally intense love making sessions your partner will be that high level erotic stimuli. Bottom line? If you want to find your spouse attractive, stop using others to get you turned on and especially to masturbate or ejaculate to. Completely stop. If you cannot, consider that you may have a degree of sexual addiction, and that you should maybe take a look at your relationship, and notice what damage your lack of commitment to it’s integrity has created.
Second. Take a good look at (or bring to mind) your partner and notice what stands out? If you immediately thought of the ways that your partner is appealing to you, and only that, good for you. You find your partner compelling and attractive. If their faults or flaws came to mind, you have some work to do. Beauty is in perception, not perfection. It is your job to perceive the person that you CHOSE to be with as the most attractive person you know. I did not say the most perfect person you know, I said the most ATTRACTIVE. Make a list of every single thing that is nice, enjoyable, appealing, sexy and compelling about your partner. After you have made the list read each thing and vividly bring to mind that thing, and how good it makes you feel. This is not an exercise to ignore, it is powerful and if you do it will create change. I challenge you to do this every day for one week and report back to me what your results are!
Your conscious mind is only capable of holding approximately 7 pieces of information in it’s attention at one time. Choose these wisely. If you are holding pieces of information that indicate to you that your mate is attractive and that you find enjoyable, and you do that as a habit, you have trained yourself to be extremely attracted to your partner for your partner’s real and valuable qualities, the ones that make them the person that you love and choose to stay with.
Your brain is plastic, that means changeable. Be mindful of what you do and how you train it’s response. Make choices which support and improve your relationships and enhance your sexual and sensual response, rather than choices which damage and diminish your relationship and connection with your partner. If you shift your way of seeing people, specifically your partner, from noticing their flaws and errors to noticing what you love and find sexy and attractive, you will enjoy natural high levels of attraction and pave the way to higher levels of arousal.
I’d like to reach out now to the couple who is NOT experiencing sex and intimacy in a way that both parties are satisfied with.
If you value your relationship, and if you value each other, listen up!
If you love each other, no matter how far gone the intimacy is, how old you are, how physically unfit you feel, or what the actual current levels of desire are in your relationship, you can change things.
I run across people every day who are desperately lonely and unhappy in their relationships due to lack of intimacy. They are trying to fill their lives with all kinds of things from work, to food, to porn, to prostitutes, and most feel completely hopeless. There is NO viable substitute for intimacy. I urge you as a COUPLE to seek solutions. I offer sessions myself, and encourage you to go to anywhere you feel will work for you. The health of your relationship depends on it.
Chances are it will be the the more active of the couple that comes across this article, as the low desire or more withdrawn person generally does not want to hear it. Please share, and this note is for the one with no desire: Your needs are as important as your partner’s, and I am telling you that there is nothing that you can do that is more painful than not engaging intimately with them. Nothing. They are hurting right now desperately. You do not have to be a martyr, but it’s not okay to live like this long term. I urge you to open your mind to the idea of making some changes that work for both of you, and increase both happiness and personal fulfilment within the relationship.
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