Given the significant amount of problems and frustration to put it mildly, suffering and devastation to put it strongly, that is attributed to monogamy, I want to question why it is not questioned. Please note, I am not anti-monogamy. What I am is against dogged adherance to a rigid structure which is no longer serving the people it is meant to be serving. And if it is not that doesn't mean fling open the doors and have a free for all, it means carefully and respectfully discussing the issues at hand and how they may be resolved through more flexible thinking and behaviours that would deepen the relationship. Minor shifts and adjustments to thinking can mean major improvements in well being. Open the window for some fresh air. Go for a walk!
Monogamy can have tremendous value, and should be used wisely for the benefit of those who participate in it. It is something that should be actively and willingly subscribed to by both parties in a consensual ongoing basis, and should contribute to the wellbeing of both parties.
Is calling it a cult a little out there? Well lets look at what one article described as the warning signs of a cult, consider whether this rings true. I know that when questioned, monogamy often holds no room for critical inquiry, it's used as a tool for emotional manipulation and control, to even question it often would end the relationship, it is THE LAW and must not be discussed or questioned, there is unreasonable fear over forms of perceived "infidelity" leading to extreme control of the other party's behaviour and often social and emotional isolation in order to appease the gods of monogamy, there is never a legitimate reason to question it: no matter how much suffering the conditions bring to one or both members.
I wonder how much of your vital energy, attention, and resources is wasted by implementing an overzealous and cultish version of monogamy, and then acting like this is The Law of the universe. I can't have sex, I can't do this, I can't feel good, I can't be erotic because this one person that I love is not going to do it for me. I'm bored, I'm shut down, I'm not feeling desired, I am not desiring............. All of this is self inflicted limitation and the subscription to the idea that something else out there is responsible for my well being. This kind of thinking lends itself well to utilizing the monogamy prison to create frustration and suffering.
"Some groups may not fit the definition of a cult, but may pose potential risks for participants. Here are 10 warning signs of a potentially unsafe group or leader.
• Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
• No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
• No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget or expenses, such as an independently audited financial statement.
• Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
• There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
• Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
• There are records, books, news articles, or broadcast reports that document the abuses of the group/leader.
• Followers feel they can never be "good enough".
• The group/leader is always right.
• The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing "truth" or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible."
Quoted from the Guardian.com
The more I read, witness, experience and hear couples talk about their problems, the more it seems like Monogamy is a container that people have subscribed to in contexts which are not serving them. I don't mean that it is not useful or appropriate, but it APPEARS like it's being used as a tool to explore limitation, frustration, powerlessness, control and mistrust, pain, fear and the avoidance of exploration and the expansion of who we really are. How much obsessive time and energy goes into railing against and being frustrated with the conditions of the relationship, conditions which people for some reason believe are not changeable. They are. It is a myth that they are not and that the conditions are set in stone and you're required to suffer forever in this container that you agreed to. By all means, explore and enjoy monogamy and all that it has to offer but if it's the source of significant suffering why not stretch the container a little? Why not redefine it and make it serve you instead of you serving it like some old sadistic limiting priest who has decreed that love is off the menu.
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