If your partner was asked what kind of lover you are, what would her response be? How would she rate you? Do you even know? Would she tell you? I recently began to study graphology (handwriting analysis), and learned just how much of a science it is. People can behave in a convincingly deceptive manner but the handwriting does not lie. What was also fascinating was that the depth and intensity of person's “appetites” can be recognized in the handwriting, as well as things like “sexual variety” and obsessions with oral sex. All fun tidbits that were not mentioned in the course manual but that made it interesting (and arousing) to sneak glances at my classmate's writing and note how rich his capacity for sensuality goes. What makes a good lover? People love “how to's” and very specific instructions such as “touch here and she will....” but there are some global concepts that are important to understand first, things that you do not want to leave out of your lovemaking.
1. Desire. You need to be in touch with your own desire and sexual nature. The more you appreciate and resonate with your core sexuality the more you are in alignment with your desire. Desire as something in itself, and desire for your partner. If you do not desire her authentically this is lack of integrity and is going to reflect on you. Learn to cultivate desire for her specifically or rethink having sex in the first place. You're not doing anyone, including yourself, any favours by using a human being as a masturbation toy.
2. Emotional connection. You cannot have “best ever” lovemaking without love. I'm not saying you have to be in the relationship to end all relationships. Do not confuse deep love with attachment, need, marriage contracts and so on. I'm saying you need to be capable of love, and you have to share and exchange love with your partner. Don't be afraid of the word!Love is a state of being, not a feeling. Cultivate that higher state of being and give sexually from it, unconditionally, joyfully and enthusiastically. If you're just fucking without emotion, and relying on the superficial hormonal response of raw excitement and adrenaline you're missing out, and so is she. I work with people intimately (not necessarily sexually) on a daily basis. The key component is coming from a place of love, and making a point to connect with that person on a higher level. Love is a higher vibration. It is necessary for full surrender from your partner. With that love, trust and surrender, you can bring your lovemaking out of the physical and into a place where the pleasure is literally out of this world.
3. Confidence: this goes without saying. It's not attractive when a man is timid and testing the waters. If you are unsure, use that to your advantage and reframe the emotion. Change uncertainty to curiosity. Develop a deep interest and intense curiosity into how her body works. Develop perception. It is a bit unfair but we're cyclical and ever changing. What feels wonderful one day will be irritating the next, there is no safety in formulas. I have supreme confidence in touching a person's body, not because i know the special tricks and techniques (though I do), but because I am confident in my awareness of a body as I touch it. I know that as I explore, what that body needs at that given time will be revealed to me and I will know what to do to create the response I want. It's playful, it's patient, it's curious, it's not about judging the body and wanting it to fit a specific mold of attractiveness, it's about honouring and appreciating it as it is. You can find extraordinary beauty in every single body – again come from a state of love and you will be amazed at what you are capable of. The key to developing this confidence is to take your time, be non goal oriented, and simply focus your attention on her.
Did I mention focus? To take lovemaking to a higher level you must be in the moment, often called a flow state. If you're thinking about anything, and aware of anything other than the lovemaking then you are not in the moment or in the flow of lovemaking. What are you thinking about when you start to touch? I suggest you stop, drop whatever is occupying your mind, and bring your full attention to the senses at hand. If you're not ready to do so then either take specific steps to get yourself ready, or wait until you are. Every single person that I work with who is dealing with Erectile Dysfunction is cluttered and distracted by thoughts and emotions which take away from being present for lovemaking. This goes for women who have trouble becoming aroused or coming as well, if she's thinking about the groceries or something that happened at work she will not fully engage with you and will be unable to feel what she is capable of. The aim is for both parties to be fully present, fully engaged, and 100% THERE in the moment, in the experience of sexual flow to realize it's full potential. I'm skimming the surface with this but the vast majority of people are incapable of stopping and being present. Most people cannot even sit still for 5 minutes without occupying and distracting themselves with their phones or the same circular thoughts that they have every day for much of the day. This is something very important, especially in today's fast paced world with it's constant bombardment of stimulating images and ideas. If you're unable to still your mind and focus it on your partner then get to work practising. This is not optional. Meditation and or Hypnosis are perfect tools to learn to focus. Another is to find an activity that engages you completely. Some musicians become completely engrossed in their playing, as do athletes, anyone who is passionate about a subject will find themselves going into a flow state when they are really into it and with sex it is no different! In a flow state the quality of touch is magnified enormously. I learned to be in a flow state very easily due to my job (massage) and by using self hypnosis recordings for meditation. Enter your flow state during sex and watch how that changes things. Focus on her, be passionate about your lovemaking TO her, and watch her blossom beneath you.
5. Pleasure in her pleasure: Do you take pleasure in another person's pleasure, or is your sole interest in what turns you on? For brevity's sake I am just going to say if you <get past puberty> can develop past self centredness and discover the power of giving, you will experience a passion and intensity and connection that is unparalleled. I love knowing that I am free to surrender to my pleasure and passion because my partner loves it. He is not pleasuring me out of obligation or as a chore. He brings me to the heights of ecstasy and comes along for the ride, he is part of it and I can only get there because of that mutual enjoyment of my ecstasy.
To sum it up, live in the moment, be free and authentic with your love, find joy in pleasure, and develop the capability to still your mind and be fully present and authentic with your passion.
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