An Opinion on Women and Personal Sexual Responsibility
I wrote this piece in part as a response to a surge in what I call the “Hollywood Sex Starlets” who market brilliantly by promising desperately unhappy and sexually frustrated women in pretty videos that they can have the best orgasms of their life if only they do a few magic things. Buy this little course, pop this egg into your vagina, get a tantric massage...pay me some money and your deepest fears and pains will be relieved. They enhance your feelings of deficiency and promise to have the answer. Well here is an answer, and you don’t have to buy it… though any decent education is paid for in time and effort.
Is a sexual education worth your investment of time and energy?
In working with the subjects of libido, desire and erotic pleasure I have noticed some patterns that plague women who have difficulty with their sexual response. This is not by any means an exhaustive article or meant to cover all of the reasons why women may not enjoy sex or to invalidate trauma based issues that need to be resolved, but it’s one that hits an important subject that is relevant for many women.
Here are some of the statements I hear on this subject:
Yes, of course every situation is unique and in breaking down what is happening with an individual woman and her relationship, there are things that are specific to her, and to them. Assuming that the husband/partner is reasonably competent sexually and has a clue how to touch and arouse the female body, I will discuss the ways that a woman hinders and can help herself be sexually responsive. If the partner is sensually uneducated, I highly recommend learning how to touch from a somatic sex educator who will do hands on teaching. I do hands on teaching for couples, or you can seek out someone local to you.
Obstacle 1: Women see sex as something that they are giving to the man instead of something that she is giving to herself. If she is overextended in her life and not receiving the support she wants and needs, she can feel stingy. Since sex is viewed as yet another thing she has to do for someone else, it’s not perceived or experienced in a way that is arousing and full of pleasure. It’s a task and a chore.
Obstacle 2: Refusal to make sex something that is important to enjoy, and instead of being fully engulfed in erotic thoughts and feelings, she will occupy her mind with things that inhibit arousal. “I can’t help it” is the excuse. There is a way to control thought through mindfulness and intentional trance. It’s a skill, something that people who naturally are excellent at enjoying sex seem to be good at and those who have difficulty “letting go” or being present are not good at. It’s a skill that can be learned!
Obstacle 3: Women have rules around when and how they should have sex and what it takes for it to be good. The planets have to be perfectly aligned, the house clean,laundry washed and folded, and every other detail that they’ve thought about in the last week needs to be taken care of. Their partner cannot have irritated them in the last 24-48 hours and they should be already horny. The sex should flow smoothly like a romance novel or hollywood fantasy without any hiccups.. The slightest distraction will ruin everything.
These criteria or reasons to sexually engage are way too complicated! Sex is not just an expression of desire, it’s a social lubricant, and it literally creates the chemicals of love in the body. The bottom line is that unless you’re actually in the midst of a passionate affair that is relatively new, or you’re someone who enjoys turning herself on with a variety of juicy activities, the criteria for giving yourself permission to have and enjoy sex is probably way way way too high, and it will take a deliberate effort on your part to change that.
Would these things change your experience?
My suggestion to women who feel they are blocked, sexually -- or that something is preventing them from being aroused is to make a decision to make learning how to get into their erotic state a priority. Yes, I teach this. The same way a woman decides to make her diet, or her exercise regime her yoga practice, or her work a priority and takes responsibility every day to get into the correct mental state for performance or achievement in those subject matters….. She can make the decision to be not just an active participant, but the one who is the executive. The driving force behind her erotic pleasure.
What does it actually take to start doing this?
At its most basic, it takes a woman who has sex because she makes a decision to have sex (there are a million reasons to have sex,just as there are a million reasons to NOT have sex so take your pick!) and in alignment with that decision, takes enjoyment from the experience. Notice that I did not say passively waits for her partner to do everything perfectly without her ever saying a word. I said she takes enjoyment from the experience… whatever it ends up being. That’s it. You don’t need your chakras aligned, or to go to therapy for 10 years and find out just how much your parents fucked up in raising you, you don’t have to rage against the church and you probably don’t need a new husband with great pectorals, a six pack and a bigger harder magic penis. Not that there is anything wrong with getting an erotic charge out of those things, having a lover, or fantasizing about a lover with those attributes. You simply need to learn how to take pleasure from sexual experiences.
Not every sexual encounter is going to be mind blowing, or result in an orgasm. I don’t think that is the point. I think the point is to get curious!! What kinds of pleasures can be taken from each encounter? There is satisfaction to be taken from harder faster and furious sex that maybe does not provide the stimulation or pleasure necessary to have an orgasm. But it can be FUN!!!! There is a deeper sense of connection, of love, warmth and intimacy in erotic cuddling that may or may not include intercourse, in languishing for hours gently exploring the skin’s surface and playing with how sensation shifts and changes and where pleasure spots are. It is immensely satisfying to play a lover’s body like a virtuoso musician -- something that happens only with true enjoyment of the other’s pleasure and surrender to your touch, and in gifting your body’s ecstatic response to your lover in the same way. What kinds of explorations and interactions can you come up with to learn more about your body, or about theirs? How interesting and fun can you make those explorations? This attitude paves the way for deeper experiences that do become spiritual, tantric, and “mind blowing.”
All you need do to be excellent at being sexually responsive and aroused is to step into the space you’ve created for your sexuality and BE THERE. Leaving behind the things that do not belong in that space.
What doesn’t belong?
Anything and everything that is not conducive to your arousal and pleasure. Things that are outside of being fully present in your body, and with his (or hers if you have a female partner) The laundry does not belong there, neither do the bills, your ex husband, neither does your list of 1000 things your partner does to make you angry, your mother, your kids, work, critical thoughts about your body or about his body. Really, stop criticizing your body in the sexual space. You want to be thinking about how good your body can feel, not how imperfect your body looks. Leave those things behind and think about them at the appropriate time. Focus. Control your thoughts, and be with your feelings and sensations.
I hope this provides some perspective on personal responsibility for sexual pleasure, and gives some food for thought on what you may or may not be doing to help yourself.
If you’d like to explore this subject further, please do not hesitate to contact me via www.thesensualist.org
Take a look at this list, below to the right and see if you see yourself in it.
Yes, I am one of those people who wants to stop using. What should I do?
Most simply. STOP USING PORN. If you can do that, then great! You will also find it easy to increase personal sexual response and likely are more ready to improve your lovemaking skills. If not, read on.
1. The most important part is for you to be ready to commit to yourself. Are you ready for change? Are you ready for positive improvements in your life? Porn is not compartmentalized to masturbation and to your penis, it spills over into every aspect of your life.
2. Together, we determine how it is affecting you and discover what you would like to be doing with your life INSTEAD of mindlessly fapping to pornography. Maybe you want to rekindle sex with your wife, or make the sex better. Maybe you want the warmth and company of a real girlfriend, but need to leave your couch and computer in order to actually start to interact with real life women. Maybe you're tired of feeling like your dick is dead and the endless search for something that can turn you on like you used to get turned on. Yeah, it sucks, and will only get worse if left untreated.
We will use a process that determines what pornography is doing for you, and substitute alternative healthy and productive behaviours. Have you ever experienced where part of you wants to do something -- like eat a healthy salad for dinner, and another part of you decides it wants a big burger and fries with iced cream for dessert? We will access the different parts of you that are in conflict or making bad choices and help them to become congruent in your goal of healthy sexual expression. Your unconscious ALWAYS has a positive intent in choosing what it does, we need to find the intent and help it to help you get what you want. Yes, healthy sexual expression can be wild, varied, kinky and fun.
You will learn healthy sexual habits, whether you're partnered or not. How to tune into your sexuality, cultivate your erotic energy and amplify your pleasure and arousal.
Depending on how severe the problem is, you may want to do a complete sexual reset which is a three month commitment.
You may want to invest in coaching to improve your lovemaking at home. I have a toolkit of activities and exercises to make sex better, yes even if you have not had sex in 20 years you CAN rekindle ecstatic pleasure, romance, and erotic enjoyment together. Even if you have not been attracted to each other in a very long time.
This can be done on your own, and if it seems too hard... send me a message!
"Can you fix my erections?"
is probably the most common question I get, closely followed by "Can you make me have better orgasms or orgasm with my partner" from women.
Unlike pharmaceutical pushing organizations and click bait business that prey on the desperation of males who suffer from ED I am going to tell you my take on it, honestly, instead of lying and promising that
"this one weird trick will give you rock hard erections."
How often have you read that crap?
The fact is that erections are a normal part of healthy physiology and when they stop occurring in natural situations, such as during sexually exciting discourse they are an INDICATOR that something is wrong. The penis is the flag, and instead of standing up it droops, lags and stays soft instead of reaching it's full potential.
It needs to be approached on a holistic level, understanding the things a penis needs for health and function are important for recovery -- whether the issue is psychological in nature (most cases are) or physical. Can the physical causes be remedied? Yes, often they can when a man is willing to put in the work and make the life changes. When physical in nature I aim to help the man understand what is going on and what needs to be done. When psychological in nature, I offer resources or direct change-work via trance to help access the best states for generating powerful erections, arousal and pleasure.
It is also a fact that in a few (not the majority) cases sometimes the physical causes will not change. At least not yet, and not according to my knowledge. I am VERY passionate about the subject, so my opinions are subject to change as I learn more or learn better. So lets take a man in his late 60s, early 70s who has had diabetes for years and has not had an erection in decades. It does not look like he will regain erectile function, and yet, he has an overwhelming desire for intimacy and sexual connection in his life. It is not over! Penis in vagina penetration is such a small part of the entire picture when it comes to fulfilling sexuality. For these cases, I can teach you (and your partner) to have beautiful, erotic, highly pleasurable highly satisfying sex without needing to have an erection.
Can't ejaculate either? Many men can ejaculate without erections, but did you know that you can have multiple non-ejaculatory orgasms that are every bit as enjoyable as an ejaculation?
Contact me today for information and REAL (not inflated click bait bullshit) solutions and attention to an extremely important subject. in a man's life.
Compassion and discretion guaranteed. Lets work on this together and get you enjoying the sex life you desire.
I’ve noticed something that I could talk about theoretically for days but will instead share a story.
My body likes a variety of touches and there is no telling what I will like or when. I am fortunate enough to have a lover that REALLY genuinely enthusiastically enjoys touching me in ways that produce pleasure and arousal. So this one time, when sexually engaged, I realized that a very specific touch felt very good. It lasted only a moment and was a gentle brushing of the outer labia. It was heaven, and the thought that came to mind so briefly that I almost did not recognize it was that I wish I could feel that touch all day. This was a fraction of a second, an almost imperceptible flash. Logically, I knew that after a few minutes it would reach the point of diminishing returns and need to change but in that moment that is how I felt. My partner was just doing his thing, touching me in ways he knows arouses me but I didn’t want them I just wanted that silky graze.
This is the moment that so many people struggle with, that so many people miss.
I would like to help you navigate this moment keeping the following points in mind.
First of all, be aware enough to REALIZE the desire for something specific. The sensation can happen quickly, and being able to formulate thoughts around it, and then change those thoughts into words takes practice and self awareness. Being caught in a circular pattern of thoughts, distractions, anxieties will guarantee that you will miss it.
No lover is a mind reader and “hope and hints” will never ever create the lover of your dreams out of someone who is willing.
Second, having the vulnerability to ask for it, knowing that it may or may not be given is very important. Lots of people shut down because a request that felt vulnerable was not received or acted upon. What I’ve noticed, is that what seems clear and obvious to us, is often not clear and obvious to a partner, even when we think it should be.
Third, the communication dynamic which permits your lover to not feel like you’re micromanaging his or her touch. And I suggest many discussions about this to help both of you through what can be a difficult dynamic depending on triggers. One of the most degrading things I heard from a man, was that he did not want to do things that aroused me (versus treating my body and doing stuff that got him off) because it made him feel like he was being micro managed sexually. There is a time and a place for bulldozing or ploughing your way through a fuck fest, but lets be honest, if a woman is going to want more it’s got to be pleasurable for her too. In that circumstance there was no second chance. In marriages, that kind of attitude turns desire into disgust.
So what happened? Well I said hey that feels amazing and I would like a lot more of that, and I got it. Later, in a conversation, I admitted that I had the thought that I just wanted to lie there for ages feeling that one very specificc sensation. My partner requested that I tell him when that kind of thing comes up and I said okay, it was interesting that it was so hard to even recognize and act on, even for me.
In exploratory bodywork sessions (not strictly pleasure ones), I do not let people get away with unexpressed desires. In fact, I “ruin the mood” by insisting that they step out of their comfort zone and describe what it is they want to feel. What feels better? How can this be even better?
The take home: With sexuality in long term relationships shitty sex does not have the luxury of riding the wave of new relationship energy and desire. Sex has to be good, there needs to be an honesty in communication, and a self awareness and yes, an honest desire for the other to experience pleasure. You need to care about your partner’s pleasure, not just your own gratification.I’ve written this from the female perspective, but find that men have trouble speaking up as well. Talk guys, and if you can’t talk to each other, talk to me and I can help you relate in ways that the other can hear.
Do you need to talk to someone about this, or another pressing intimate concern?
I do distance consultations via skype, facetime and telephone. Get in touch!
The Phenomenal Jason Linett of Work Smart Hypnosis was gracious enough to have me on his podcast, take a listen!
On today’s episode, Freja explains how she was introduced to hypnosis and her shift from traditional practices to those of a more intimate and sensual nature. We go into depth on how hypnotic strategies and EFT techniques overlap into topics like sexuality, desire, and releasing dysfunction.
“A lot of our sexual problems are because we spend too much time in our heads” – Freja Njorden
Robert Manni, Author of the Guys' Guy's Guide to love hosts a wonderful radio show and interviews me on -- wait for it -- SEX. Listen to the podcast here
Have you heard of Synaesthesia?
noun: synaesthesia; the production of a sense impression relating to one sense or part of the body by stimulation of another sense or part of the body.
In other words, you are able to experience things via multiple “senses” and not just the single one that is common to the stimulation. You may smell sounds, or actually see smells, or music. There are many people who have this innate ability for their entire lives and do not realize that it is something unique until they realize that others do not have it. Hypnosis can help individuals who do not have these abilities to develop and enjoy it, thanks to neuroplasticity.
Erotic synaesthesia is what I do to help people perceived ordinary things in an extraordinarily sexually arousing way. Why? The short answer is that IT IS FUN. Many of us have hedonistic tendencies, dopamine plays into it but in my opinion increasing natural sensitivity and ability to become aroused and play with your partner is a positive thing.
An example of erotic synaesthisa is to program in that a particular sound, a drum beat or base line to be stimulating to your genitals, to the point of orgasm if desired. Another example is to have a subject actually see arousal in their body as either light or colour, and from there be able to play with the intensity and location of it. A third is to experience in the subjects own body what they see or do in another. So in watching something happen to another they can experience that as sensation in their own body, or in doing to another they can experience that sensation in themselves. If this is not already clear in your mind I will spell it out to you: you can experience the sensation of receiving oral sex by giving it to your partner. Yeah, that one is good.
I encourage everyone to play, explore and experiment ethically with positive ways to enhance your trust and play within your relationships! I offer the chance to learn how to do synaestheisa at my erotic hypnosis workshop on October 15th and 16th at the lovely 401 Richmond st W, in Toronto. To sign up visit http://www.thesensualist.org/erotic-hypnosis-workshop.html
There is no longer an excuse to complain about your boring sex life
“I just wish my spouse would be more creative in the bedroom”
“I wish she would be open to spanking me (or being spanked, or letting me get off by sucking her toes, or put me in chastity for a period of time whilst teasing me, or any other somewhat alternative thing) but she would never ever ever do that or let me do that.”
Often the person (male or female) with more desire and creativity, or at least more boredom in the bedroom has a variation of a lament that their partner simply is not open to expanding their sexual repertoire and would never be.
THIS IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. It is only true within the current context.
1. Make a list of all of the limiting statements you have about your partner sexually
2. Now answer the question, what do *I* do to make it safe and enjoyable for my partner/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend to express themselves sexually? Hint, if they’re not expressing themselves, then what you’re doing is not working. If it’s not working, then change it!
Did you know that there is a specific sequence of steps and actions that you can take to introduce almost ANY activity into your sexual repertoire and turn it into an exciting erotic addition to your couples toolbox, even if at first it is something that one of you finds repulsive or not a turn on? It has nothing to do with manipulation, coercion, or one person “tolerating” an activity in order to please another. This is the heart of ethical sexual exploration.
Did you know that for even the most vanilla “boring” and uncreative sexual persons, people with NO sexual imagination, simply the act of making more activities erotic turn ons stimulates desire and more sexual creativity? There is a secret to this, and to getting someone turned on by specific things. If this is not making sense to you, consider these situations. Lets pretend that I do not enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities (haha)… and that my partner is wild about foot worship, being spanked and spanking, and a really strange position. And lets pretend those things really REALLY do nothing for me and we never engage in them because I do not like them and he really cares about my pleasure. But he is wild about those three things and because he can’t get them fantasizes about them, sneaks away and watches porn that contains them and wishes I would like them. It becomes a bone of contention and source of friction within the relationship. Now wouldn’t it be nice if I found those things very arousing so that we could both enjoy them? Not as a compromise to me, but as an addition as an enhancement and as more things to enjoy. Heck yes, and it’s very easy and fun to do. Now lets say that my favourite thing in the world is receiving oral sex and he does it because I want it but does not get much out of it. Wouldn’t it be more fun for us if GIVING it to me put him into an orgasmic state of excitement?
The point of this post is, if you’re sitting around complaining about how unexciting and unvaried your sexual life is, you are creating that situation for yourself. You have options, and whether you choose to exercise them will determine your satisfaction in this area of life. Empower yourself sexually and learn the steps to a varied and enjoyable life with no compromise. Sex with another person is a dynamic feedback loop that requires attention, feedback, and constant adaptations and shifts and the pleasure it brings is worth the effort put into it.
I’m really excited to be teaching these things, and more on October 15th and 16th, at my Ethical Erotic Hypnosis course taught at 401 Richmond St West in Toronto. Join us for a great time!
I always recommend for clients looking to improve their sexuality to include yoga in their lifestyle. This is not news, it’s heard in magazines and is a trendy thing to recommend.
At first the benefits seem obvious, but they go much deeper than sensational headlines. Yoga will improve your ability to HAVE sex on a physical level by increasing strength, the ability to move your body, and flexibility. More importantly, it will also improve your ability to be fully present in your body and to your partner during sex and experience more pleasure, have better orgasms and if you’re a man even things like lasting longer or maintaining an erection.
Part of sex is physical, our bodies move, muscles contract and we get into positions. To do this easily is a bonus since being pain free and having less effort is all important for pleasure. The other part is mental and yoga uses movement and breath to focus. During sex, you use movement and sensation, breath and touch and focused attention on your partner to create an experience. Without the ability to be present and focus, to get out of your head and into your body things happen like: lack of arousal, inability to orgasm loss of erection or premature ejaculation, circular, excessive, or self conscious intrusive thoughts that interfere with your ability to make the most of your experiences.
Most yoga studios have intro specials for the first month to let you test run the studio. I cannot stress enough how important it is to get a good instructor and a class that is appropriate for your fitness level and personality. Remember, yoga is for every age, gender and every body, not just the media-promoted spandex clad “yoga body” types. It can improve your health, your emotions, body image and sex life, you may even run across a Sensualist Yoga for Women class at your local studio. Give it a try!
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